I'm done with any exotic pets. My goat herd was doing a magnificent job of clearing my parents' old farm, but being goats, after all, they were not very good at protecting themselves from predators. So at the stock auction I bought two llamas, which were reputed to just Hate canines of any sort. Sure enough, the two of them posted themselves on the hillsides overlooking the pasture. Soon my niece's dog showed up for her favorite pastime of chasing my goats. I watched with satisfaction as Black and Brown (their colors) dropped their heads about three inches from the ground, and taking a bead, proceeded to put the yelping dog through the electric fence. Backward. So far, so good.
I was slowly renovating the old Home Place, and during cold winter days, with nothing else to do, I would wander out to the pastures and piece by piece slowly remove the old barbed-wire fence. It was a snowy evening, near dark, and deathly still, yet I had the sensation that I was being watched. I turned my head slightly to the right, only to find a llama's lips about two inches from mine. Scared hell out of me. He let out a llama-squeal and bounded away like a furry pogo stick, squealing with delight. The sonofabitch had sneaked up on me and was watching over my shoulder: "What'cha doing, Bud?" Don't tell me animals don't have a sense of humor.
After I sold the goats, the llamas remained. Unfortunately both were males and - bored, I guess - took to fighting. Llamas fight funny; they try to bite each others' knees, kneeling on the ground to protect their own, squealing in the most ungodly way. I finally sold one of them, but he was constantly in trouble. He was supposed to protect the lady's sheep, but she kept finding the sheep dead. One day she discovered the problem: Red was trying to breed with the sheep, and since he was thrice their weights, kept smothering them. Oh well, my old buddy Tom's dad used to say that if sheep could cook .... maybe my llama felt the same way.
Thanks. I just can't stop myself. I've had just such a good life so far - and don't see any reason it won't continue that way - that everything reminds me of something funny. And the great thing is that I don't have to make anything up.
Interestingly, I keep a journal and have written in it about once a month for the past fifty years - except for the eight years of medical school and residency - and during that time not a single word. Nor did I read a single book for fun during that time. Some day I'm going to find myself a nickel psychiatrist like Lucy Van Pelt and see if I can figure out why.
Zero. The generous explanation is that I was too busy; the un-generous that an abused spouse doesn't chronicle her beatings. The likely true one is that a mountain boy - even one who's a good student - should never have been there to begin with.
Perceptive ... too busy to introspect. Get a little free time means you're eating well and finding that life is truly all about enjoying the passage of time.
Rooney drove a 1966 Sunbeam Tiger - a small British sports car from the mid '60's with a fat American V8 stuffed in it. A hairy beast with ill handling, poor braking and gobs of power. Dangerous to drive - I used to own one.
Watch out for crotchety whiny old libs - they may surprise you as they pass you on the straightaway.
That's the problem of always judging people always by what they say, Bruce, instead of who they are.
Hi Lee. Now that's a memory from the past. A friend owned a British Racing Green one. That car was a downright menace. I drove it a few times and it was terrifying. The rear end had no weight to it and how they fit that V-8 (a 289 I think) into the engine compartment still baffles me. It's handling was atrocious. The rear end would break free unexpectedly. Still, it was a car for the times. Do you wish you'd kept it?
I have a lot of friends who are crotchety old libs They tolerate this crotchety old troglodyte.
I couldn't help but think how much more fun political infighting would be if during the dehates,for instance, the candidates would take a lesson in fighting from the llamas and "fight funny" by "trying to bite each other knees, kneeling on the ground to protect their own and squealing in the most ungodly way."Just the image of Biden and Trump engaged in such a fight would be the only thing that would inspire me to watch the debates.
I'd pay to see Alleged President Asterisk make good on his promise to take The Orange Man behind the gym and "whip his ass." Probably the first time in history someone would be found with a golf club tied in a knot around his neck.
I've thought for some time that our current candidate debate system should be replaced by naked mud wrestling, which I believe would better reveal each candidate's true nature.
The image of the Big Guy taking in the Orange Man popped up in my head as I read this. Now I can't unsee it. Thanks for giving my therapist another few years of business...
Fellow goat owner! It seems like female guard animals tend to do better than male. We had a male donkey that would viciously murder male baby goats. Come to find out female donkeys don’t do that. Our plan is to get a livestock guard dog when we breed goats again. But I love having them. Ours are Boers and are super easy to have around.
We also have horses, cats and dogs. Hoping to add chickens back to the mix soon. Farm life is the life for me and provides the best mental respite from what can be a very heavy career as an HR pro.
Goats were a two-edged sword. Having rolled my ATV about twenty turns down the steep pasture while attempting to spray multiflora rose, I decided to try the organic approach to cleaning up the old property.
Enter forty goats. It was very gratifying. I'd never had goats, but they immediately rushed past foot-high pasture grass to just demolish the rose bushes and brush. They have terminal ADHD, and after snacking on one bush for a bit, would rush over en masse to another that looked more inviting. Ad infinitum. At first it didn't look like anything was happening, but they were eating the bushes and vines a piece a time and one day, violà! The whole property was clean.
They were terrible mothers. They had the tendency to deliver their kids in wintertime, abandoning the little ones and forgetting where they had left them all the time. I must have had a 50% mortality rate at first. They were also climbers and would stand on any vehicle you left in their vicinity.
One thing I did learn was that they were not problem-solvers. You could hold them inside the property, but it required two fences: one - in any shape or state of repair - and a second inside the first comprising the one-foot rule: one foot inside the second fence, one foot high, and electric. They just couldn't solve the two-fence problem, but they never seemed to learn. I observed the same goat get her snout snapped by the electric fence in the same place twice within ten minutes.
Oh my! That is a lot! What breed did you have? We love our Boers because they act more like cattle. Ours don’t climb on cars (which is important bc my husband is a mechanic and we have 8 cars at our place on any given day) or get into shenanigans. We only have lost babies to the angry donkey. They have been great mothers and baby goats are SO cute and funny.
Our oldest goat is 12 or 13 and was a triplet born on our place. We also have 4 of her “kids” still.
I don't know the types - they were all mixed-breed and just got shuffled around from farm to farm to clean up various places. Then sold at cost to the next farm. It's like having a free brushcutting crew. They were kind of entertaining, though - they followed me around all over the place. I felt like Jesus coming into Jerusalem.
My 14-year dog, Cheetos, was killed by another dog on our reservation in 1989. If you know the TV series, Reservation Dogs, then you should know its title is a long-standing cultural term in Native culture. Life on the rez is incredibly hard for dogs. So it's a miracle my dog lived to be 14. In any case, my dog PTSD prevented me from owning another dog until 2014 long after I became an urban Indian. So I went a quarter-century between dogs. And when our little Darla heads off to the eternal dog park, I very much doubt I'll get another. Yeah, my love for dogs is so intense that my grief buries me. At the end of my days, my Indian name will be Two Dog Sherman.
My dear husband went more than thirty years after the sudden death due to intestinal torsion of his beloved standard poodle before he’d even consider another dog. To my delight and great good fortune, when our daughter shared a photo of two small litter mates on the verge of being surrendered to a vet by the young couple who’d paid cash for them but couldn’t pay a two pet deposits, he decided “They need us.”
I just re-homed my dog to a huge farm. I’m glad it worked out well for the dog to go to a good place. No more for me.
I think this country has lost its mind over pets. I was raised on a ranch so I have a considerable distinction between humans and animals-- one that I am grateful for. I believe humans have dominion over animals. 100%
Our society for years has confused pets for other family members. I do not think it is good. It’s another slippery slope....some people call their pets “fur babies” and walk them in strollers. And I have heard (not verified) that Spain allows people to marry their pets. No, no and no! That is a slippery slope. I say best to keep a solid line between humans and animals.
I am sure this will be an unpopular opinion, but I stick to it.
We have a dog. I never had one until we got married; my family raises sheep, but we have a feedlot, not a ranch. Dogs don’t work in a feedlot.
Anyway, I remember the first time taking our dog to the vet as a puppy. The vet tech called me the dog’s “dad”, to which I replied that the dog’s dad has four legs. Vet tech was not impressed. I love that dog, but she’s not my child.
I love my horse, but he lives in pasture 24/7 with horse friends. Anthropomorphizing animals becomes a problem for the animals as well when they are not offered species-appropriate living conditions where they can actually thrive (viz. vegan cats).
One of my favorite friend's was an Appaloosa stud named Rakoosh. He was solid muscle and there was a blue flame in his eye's that burned night and day. He was willing to climb any fence in pursuit of love and would stand on his hind legs to reach the top of the fence and receive carrot's. Fearsome but rideable letting him stretch out on an open road was magnificent. I will always remember the day he came to the stable. When they brought him off the trailer he threw out four feet of d!k and screamed like a banshee. Every mare in the barn stuck her head through the stall door and rolled her eye's. That gentlemen, is respect.
In my youth in a summer overnight camp I was an assistant horseback instructor. We would compete with barrel racing and pole bending and our most adept horse in both events was an Appaloosa. In a straight race he would finish well back, but when it came to cutting none were better.
Speaking of "slippery slopes" re pets and their owners, I would advise you to never come to Mexico to live in the expat community where I live. Dogs are everywhere - many just making it on their own living on the streets - but I have to tell you they are smarter than most of us they know where and when the butcher comes and suddenly dozens appear and pretend they just chose this particular spot to lie down and snooze for a bit. Most of them are experts at crossing the roads here which scare the living daylights out of me. They literally stand on the side of the road and look both ways, gauging how long it will take them to cross before the approaching car hits them and I have never seen a dead dog .
Then there are the tiny dogs - and I mean SO tiny, you are left to wonder where their lungs and heart can find room to exist - who are carried in those baby snuggler things that parents use to carry their infants. I have ceased thinking I was about to ooh and ahh over a baby being "snuggled" since I more often than not, am eye to eye with what appears to me to be a rodent.
As a long time animal rescuer, I tend to have a higher opinion of animals than people, but I enjoyed reading this! I can appreciate a twisted sense of humor. I suggest that Ben Kawaller should meet a few cats. I know several people who claimed they didn't like animals until a special feline stole their hearts. Now they are regular softies. I think cats general DGAF attitude may appeal to him.
Yup. My cousin hates animals, never wanted a pet. But then she fell for some cats. Turned out she just needed some animals that live independently and DGAF. Pet haters relate to those kinds of pets.
Thank you for rescuing! I thought the article was funny but I can’t stand it when a dog with behavioral issues is chalked up to being a rescue. As a long time rescuer myself that takes in primarily strays, I can attest to their challenges and the time it takes to get them acclimated. But long term behavioral issues happen all the time with pure bred dogs too - my hypothesis is that the owners don’t talk about it or are apologists for it (isn’t it cute that our Lab puppy just tore up the couch!). Just upsetting that rescue animals get a bad rap and millions more will die because of it.
Other than TGIF, I have not come to expect levity from the FP. I almost spit my coffee out laughing this morning! Here is one faithful reader’s vote to keep it up!
I spit up my coffee at several moments. My wife came down to see what all the early morning chuckles were about. I shared with her this piece. “This writer is a monster, and so are you.” Thanks Ben. And I predict you may have split many more couples in two this morning. While I wish I could apply the spirit of the Free Press here and have a discussion, I promise you it’s not happening on this subject. For these moments, I happily assume the chuckling monster relegated to the doghouse. (Is this an obsolete phrase nowadays?)
Hilarius, I enjoyed the article. I'm not a pet owner but recall growing up with my siblings (6 of us born within 7 years) in a rural area. My dad allowed cats around to control the vermin and my mother got a border collie when we were young to keep us from straying off the property. Amazing how that dog knew the property lines, but none of us ever strayed off to get lost in the woods.
I don’t feel Mr. Kawaller is a monster, but I do feel sorry for him. Forming a bond with an animal other than a human is one of life’s great gifts, ironically igniting a level of deep humanity I’ve not witnessed in those who only favor people.
Absolutely agree. Limiting oneself to only human friends is so boring and shallow. Domestic animals are liminal beings--they straddle the human world and the vast world of nature; they lead us into strange territories and expand our minds. It still amazes me that I have what is essentially a large wolf in my living room!
I loved raising my children and miss that time every day. I despise the song “cats in the cradle” because it is a total lie. I did everything with my children and now I never hear from them or see them. Makes me sad.
My darling Isabella died two years ago. Best. Dog. Ever!! I miss her so!! Dogs are wonderful loving creatures, cats not so much.
My wife and I have had dogs and cats. When we came home from work just like a dog, they would meet us at the door. They don't jump around like a dog but they rubbed up against us to say hello. When we watched TV they would jump up and sleep on our laps.
It's because of your nasty personality. It's because people perceive me and rightly so, as a kind, warm, funny, shy, modest, unassuming human being as opposed to, ... well you.
Every one of the eight cats we have had over 30 years has been presonable and affectionate. I think the secret is to let them work things out at their own rate.
Funny essay! I used to wonder why on earth anyone would bother with a pet. Sleeping with a dog? Ew. Picking up shit? Scooping a litter box? No thanks.
Now I have four cats. There were three until a few weeks ago, when I encountered a seven month old tabby on the garbage cans. It was Easter Sunday, and the symbolism wasn't lost on me; my previous tabby had passed away just after Christmas in 2021, and now here he was, arisen from the dead! Not only that, but the kitten followed me inside, as if this were the way things go, and proceeded to act like he's lived here for years now. He even lies where his predecessor used to lie, where none of the other cats lie.
Meanwhile, he's knocked over a 5 foot cactus I've nurtured for years. Broke another plant pot, and denuded the sofa of its stuffing underneath. The floor is littered with bits of styrofoam. He's torn the patches off another chair and imposes kinetic energy in the most inopportune moments.
He also got into my lap for the first time yesterday. Is entertaining the older cats who have gotten their fat asses off the couch to play with him.
And he's just so darned cute, I find myself laughing a lot more.
The question is, too, what was I supposed to do -- walk away? Another cat -- the third one -- just invited himself in, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I've never regretted taking on a cat, and wish I'd been as open to taking on children, because the joy does certainly outweigh the shit, the puking, and the torn-up furniture.
I love my dog (as shown in my profile pic) but I am not going to waste vital resources to prolong her life to delay the inevitable sadness of her parting. There is a difference between a broken leg and end stage renal failure. One you fix. one you send your dog across the rainbow bridge to save them the pain of daily living. Both are humane.
Heard a buddy refer to another friend’s child as a “skin puppy” (as opposed to a “fur baby”) and have been using it to great chagrin and laughs.
I'm done with any exotic pets. My goat herd was doing a magnificent job of clearing my parents' old farm, but being goats, after all, they were not very good at protecting themselves from predators. So at the stock auction I bought two llamas, which were reputed to just Hate canines of any sort. Sure enough, the two of them posted themselves on the hillsides overlooking the pasture. Soon my niece's dog showed up for her favorite pastime of chasing my goats. I watched with satisfaction as Black and Brown (their colors) dropped their heads about three inches from the ground, and taking a bead, proceeded to put the yelping dog through the electric fence. Backward. So far, so good.
I was slowly renovating the old Home Place, and during cold winter days, with nothing else to do, I would wander out to the pastures and piece by piece slowly remove the old barbed-wire fence. It was a snowy evening, near dark, and deathly still, yet I had the sensation that I was being watched. I turned my head slightly to the right, only to find a llama's lips about two inches from mine. Scared hell out of me. He let out a llama-squeal and bounded away like a furry pogo stick, squealing with delight. The sonofabitch had sneaked up on me and was watching over my shoulder: "What'cha doing, Bud?" Don't tell me animals don't have a sense of humor.
After I sold the goats, the llamas remained. Unfortunately both were males and - bored, I guess - took to fighting. Llamas fight funny; they try to bite each others' knees, kneeling on the ground to protect their own, squealing in the most ungodly way. I finally sold one of them, but he was constantly in trouble. He was supposed to protect the lady's sheep, but she kept finding the sheep dead. One day she discovered the problem: Red was trying to breed with the sheep, and since he was thrice their weights, kept smothering them. Oh well, my old buddy Tom's dad used to say that if sheep could cook .... maybe my llama felt the same way.
I rate your tale a clear notch above today's offering.
Thanks for that.
I liked both, Bens’ and Jims’ essays. Love animals. Love sarcasm. Fun mix and a community building content. What’s not to like? 🤓
I think at least 2 notches above today's. Thank you.
Thanks. I just can't stop myself. I've had just such a good life so far - and don't see any reason it won't continue that way - that everything reminds me of something funny. And the great thing is that I don't have to make anything up.
Interestingly, I keep a journal and have written in it about once a month for the past fifty years - except for the eight years of medical school and residency - and during that time not a single word. Nor did I read a single book for fun during that time. Some day I'm going to find myself a nickel psychiatrist like Lucy Van Pelt and see if I can figure out why.
No time during medical school?
Zero. The generous explanation is that I was too busy; the un-generous that an abused spouse doesn't chronicle her beatings. The likely true one is that a mountain boy - even one who's a good student - should never have been there to begin with.
Perceptive ... too busy to introspect. Get a little free time means you're eating well and finding that life is truly all about enjoying the passage of time.
An unwarranted humility, although endearing, is still unwarranted.
The Free Press is becoming more of a Free Lifestyle Section.
PBS’s 60 minutes used to have a segment by Andy Rooney that sounded just like this
He was a great curmudgeon, albeit a whiny old lib.
Rooney drove a 1966 Sunbeam Tiger - a small British sports car from the mid '60's with a fat American V8 stuffed in it. A hairy beast with ill handling, poor braking and gobs of power. Dangerous to drive - I used to own one.
Watch out for crotchety whiny old libs - they may surprise you as they pass you on the straightaway.
That's the problem of always judging people always by what they say, Bruce, instead of who they are.
:)
Hi Lee. Now that's a memory from the past. A friend owned a British Racing Green one. That car was a downright menace. I drove it a few times and it was terrifying. The rear end had no weight to it and how they fit that V-8 (a 289 I think) into the engine compartment still baffles me. It's handling was atrocious. The rear end would break free unexpectedly. Still, it was a car for the times. Do you wish you'd kept it?
I have a lot of friends who are crotchety old libs They tolerate this crotchety old troglodyte.
Now get the F off my lawn.....
I couldn't help but think how much more fun political infighting would be if during the dehates,for instance, the candidates would take a lesson in fighting from the llamas and "fight funny" by "trying to bite each other knees, kneeling on the ground to protect their own and squealing in the most ungodly way."Just the image of Biden and Trump engaged in such a fight would be the only thing that would inspire me to watch the debates.
I'd pay to see Alleged President Asterisk make good on his promise to take The Orange Man behind the gym and "whip his ass." Probably the first time in history someone would be found with a golf club tied in a knot around his neck.
I've thought for some time that our current candidate debate system should be replaced by naked mud wrestling, which I believe would better reveal each candidate's true nature.
The image of the Big Guy taking in the Orange Man popped up in my head as I read this. Now I can't unsee it. Thanks for giving my therapist another few years of business...
One of them would probably be too busy smothering sheep.
You actually gave me a belly laugh - thanks
🤣🤣
Fellow goat owner! It seems like female guard animals tend to do better than male. We had a male donkey that would viciously murder male baby goats. Come to find out female donkeys don’t do that. Our plan is to get a livestock guard dog when we breed goats again. But I love having them. Ours are Boers and are super easy to have around.
We also have horses, cats and dogs. Hoping to add chickens back to the mix soon. Farm life is the life for me and provides the best mental respite from what can be a very heavy career as an HR pro.
Goats were a two-edged sword. Having rolled my ATV about twenty turns down the steep pasture while attempting to spray multiflora rose, I decided to try the organic approach to cleaning up the old property.
Enter forty goats. It was very gratifying. I'd never had goats, but they immediately rushed past foot-high pasture grass to just demolish the rose bushes and brush. They have terminal ADHD, and after snacking on one bush for a bit, would rush over en masse to another that looked more inviting. Ad infinitum. At first it didn't look like anything was happening, but they were eating the bushes and vines a piece a time and one day, violà! The whole property was clean.
They were terrible mothers. They had the tendency to deliver their kids in wintertime, abandoning the little ones and forgetting where they had left them all the time. I must have had a 50% mortality rate at first. They were also climbers and would stand on any vehicle you left in their vicinity.
One thing I did learn was that they were not problem-solvers. You could hold them inside the property, but it required two fences: one - in any shape or state of repair - and a second inside the first comprising the one-foot rule: one foot inside the second fence, one foot high, and electric. They just couldn't solve the two-fence problem, but they never seemed to learn. I observed the same goat get her snout snapped by the electric fence in the same place twice within ten minutes.
Great memories.
Oh my! That is a lot! What breed did you have? We love our Boers because they act more like cattle. Ours don’t climb on cars (which is important bc my husband is a mechanic and we have 8 cars at our place on any given day) or get into shenanigans. We only have lost babies to the angry donkey. They have been great mothers and baby goats are SO cute and funny.
Our oldest goat is 12 or 13 and was a triplet born on our place. We also have 4 of her “kids” still.
I don't know the types - they were all mixed-breed and just got shuffled around from farm to farm to clean up various places. Then sold at cost to the next farm. It's like having a free brushcutting crew. They were kind of entertaining, though - they followed me around all over the place. I felt like Jesus coming into Jerusalem.
Goats don't even taste good.
But not paying property tax does. 🙃
How did you know I just paid mine this morning????
Ouch!
They're excellent on the BBQ. Not closed cooking, chevon needs air to cook well
Do they become less diligent in their sentinel duties if you geld (i.e. emasculate) them? That would have eliminated a number of the other problems...
The upside of gelding them is they could sing soprano in the local choir.
I would buy tickets to see a llama choir!
Good idea. Maybe I should castrate them so they'll all vote Republican.
My 14-year dog, Cheetos, was killed by another dog on our reservation in 1989. If you know the TV series, Reservation Dogs, then you should know its title is a long-standing cultural term in Native culture. Life on the rez is incredibly hard for dogs. So it's a miracle my dog lived to be 14. In any case, my dog PTSD prevented me from owning another dog until 2014 long after I became an urban Indian. So I went a quarter-century between dogs. And when our little Darla heads off to the eternal dog park, I very much doubt I'll get another. Yeah, my love for dogs is so intense that my grief buries me. At the end of my days, my Indian name will be Two Dog Sherman.
That is genuine love Sherman - about the animal as opposed to about you.
My dear husband went more than thirty years after the sudden death due to intestinal torsion of his beloved standard poodle before he’d even consider another dog. To my delight and great good fortune, when our daughter shared a photo of two small litter mates on the verge of being surrendered to a vet by the young couple who’d paid cash for them but couldn’t pay a two pet deposits, he decided “They need us.”
I feel this deeply...on my third and absolute last.
I just re-homed my dog to a huge farm. I’m glad it worked out well for the dog to go to a good place. No more for me.
I think this country has lost its mind over pets. I was raised on a ranch so I have a considerable distinction between humans and animals-- one that I am grateful for. I believe humans have dominion over animals. 100%
Our society for years has confused pets for other family members. I do not think it is good. It’s another slippery slope....some people call their pets “fur babies” and walk them in strollers. And I have heard (not verified) that Spain allows people to marry their pets. No, no and no! That is a slippery slope. I say best to keep a solid line between humans and animals.
I am sure this will be an unpopular opinion, but I stick to it.
We have a dog. I never had one until we got married; my family raises sheep, but we have a feedlot, not a ranch. Dogs don’t work in a feedlot.
Anyway, I remember the first time taking our dog to the vet as a puppy. The vet tech called me the dog’s “dad”, to which I replied that the dog’s dad has four legs. Vet tech was not impressed. I love that dog, but she’s not my child.
There was a receptionist at my Veterinarians office that always refered to my dogs as "the baby." It was so odd.
I believe I went to the same vet with my cat. After the fourth “baby” I said you know it’s a cat, right?
I love my horse, but he lives in pasture 24/7 with horse friends. Anthropomorphizing animals becomes a problem for the animals as well when they are not offered species-appropriate living conditions where they can actually thrive (viz. vegan cats).
One of my favorite friend's was an Appaloosa stud named Rakoosh. He was solid muscle and there was a blue flame in his eye's that burned night and day. He was willing to climb any fence in pursuit of love and would stand on his hind legs to reach the top of the fence and receive carrot's. Fearsome but rideable letting him stretch out on an open road was magnificent. I will always remember the day he came to the stable. When they brought him off the trailer he threw out four feet of d!k and screamed like a banshee. Every mare in the barn stuck her head through the stall door and rolled her eye's. That gentlemen, is respect.
In my youth in a summer overnight camp I was an assistant horseback instructor. We would compete with barrel racing and pole bending and our most adept horse in both events was an Appaloosa. In a straight race he would finish well back, but when it came to cutting none were better.
Speaking of "slippery slopes" re pets and their owners, I would advise you to never come to Mexico to live in the expat community where I live. Dogs are everywhere - many just making it on their own living on the streets - but I have to tell you they are smarter than most of us they know where and when the butcher comes and suddenly dozens appear and pretend they just chose this particular spot to lie down and snooze for a bit. Most of them are experts at crossing the roads here which scare the living daylights out of me. They literally stand on the side of the road and look both ways, gauging how long it will take them to cross before the approaching car hits them and I have never seen a dead dog .
Then there are the tiny dogs - and I mean SO tiny, you are left to wonder where their lungs and heart can find room to exist - who are carried in those baby snuggler things that parents use to carry their infants. I have ceased thinking I was about to ooh and ahh over a baby being "snuggled" since I more often than not, am eye to eye with what appears to me to be a rodent.
I'm with you on the anthropomorphilogogizing of animals. People are people, animals are animals.
As a long time animal rescuer, I tend to have a higher opinion of animals than people, but I enjoyed reading this! I can appreciate a twisted sense of humor. I suggest that Ben Kawaller should meet a few cats. I know several people who claimed they didn't like animals until a special feline stole their hearts. Now they are regular softies. I think cats general DGAF attitude may appeal to him.
Yup. My cousin hates animals, never wanted a pet. But then she fell for some cats. Turned out she just needed some animals that live independently and DGAF. Pet haters relate to those kinds of pets.
Call a dog and the dog will come. Call a cat and the cat will take a message.
Thank you for rescuing! I thought the article was funny but I can’t stand it when a dog with behavioral issues is chalked up to being a rescue. As a long time rescuer myself that takes in primarily strays, I can attest to their challenges and the time it takes to get them acclimated. But long term behavioral issues happen all the time with pure bred dogs too - my hypothesis is that the owners don’t talk about it or are apologists for it (isn’t it cute that our Lab puppy just tore up the couch!). Just upsetting that rescue animals get a bad rap and millions more will die because of it.
I think Churchill said it best: "I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
Cats have merely never forgotten they once were gods in Egypt.
Good laugh. Thanks.
Other than TGIF, I have not come to expect levity from the FP. I almost spit my coffee out laughing this morning! Here is one faithful reader’s vote to keep it up!
I spit up my coffee at several moments. My wife came down to see what all the early morning chuckles were about. I shared with her this piece. “This writer is a monster, and so are you.” Thanks Ben. And I predict you may have split many more couples in two this morning. While I wish I could apply the spirit of the Free Press here and have a discussion, I promise you it’s not happening on this subject. For these moments, I happily assume the chuckling monster relegated to the doghouse. (Is this an obsolete phrase nowadays?)
Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk and drive around for 30 minutes. Guess which one will be glad to see you when you let them out
HaHa, Steven!
Hilarius, I enjoyed the article. I'm not a pet owner but recall growing up with my siblings (6 of us born within 7 years) in a rural area. My dad allowed cats around to control the vermin and my mother got a border collie when we were young to keep us from straying off the property. Amazing how that dog knew the property lines, but none of us ever strayed off to get lost in the woods.
I don’t feel Mr. Kawaller is a monster, but I do feel sorry for him. Forming a bond with an animal other than a human is one of life’s great gifts, ironically igniting a level of deep humanity I’ve not witnessed in those who only favor people.
Absolutely agree. Limiting oneself to only human friends is so boring and shallow. Domestic animals are liminal beings--they straddle the human world and the vast world of nature; they lead us into strange territories and expand our minds. It still amazes me that I have what is essentially a large wolf in my living room!
Please write more for the free press. This was hysterical!
Mr. Kawaller THANK YOU for this hysterical article! Laughing is my favorite way to start the day!
I loved raising my children and miss that time every day. I despise the song “cats in the cradle” because it is a total lie. I did everything with my children and now I never hear from them or see them. Makes me sad.
My darling Isabella died two years ago. Best. Dog. Ever!! I miss her so!! Dogs are wonderful loving creatures, cats not so much.
My wife and I have had dogs and cats. When we came home from work just like a dog, they would meet us at the door. They don't jump around like a dog but they rubbed up against us to say hello. When we watched TV they would jump up and sleep on our laps.
I find them to be a great comfort.
Hmmm....I get excoriated for making a bad joke and you show a soft side.
Something is not right this morning......
It's because of your nasty personality. It's because people perceive me and rightly so, as a kind, warm, funny, shy, modest, unassuming human being as opposed to, ... well you.
Life is so unfair..................
As that swine Jimmy Carter said, "Life is not fair."
Depends on the cats. Our cats are very affectionate.
Every one of the eight cats we have had over 30 years has been presonable and affectionate. I think the secret is to let them work things out at their own rate.
Time for another dog.
Sad about the kids… 😕
Yes, Madjack, gotta love dogs! Sorry for your loss (losses)!
What happens if you call your kids? Do they talk to your wife?
Well, he has nothing bad to say about cats, at least.
Funny essay! I used to wonder why on earth anyone would bother with a pet. Sleeping with a dog? Ew. Picking up shit? Scooping a litter box? No thanks.
Now I have four cats. There were three until a few weeks ago, when I encountered a seven month old tabby on the garbage cans. It was Easter Sunday, and the symbolism wasn't lost on me; my previous tabby had passed away just after Christmas in 2021, and now here he was, arisen from the dead! Not only that, but the kitten followed me inside, as if this were the way things go, and proceeded to act like he's lived here for years now. He even lies where his predecessor used to lie, where none of the other cats lie.
Meanwhile, he's knocked over a 5 foot cactus I've nurtured for years. Broke another plant pot, and denuded the sofa of its stuffing underneath. The floor is littered with bits of styrofoam. He's torn the patches off another chair and imposes kinetic energy in the most inopportune moments.
He also got into my lap for the first time yesterday. Is entertaining the older cats who have gotten their fat asses off the couch to play with him.
And he's just so darned cute, I find myself laughing a lot more.
The question is, too, what was I supposed to do -- walk away? Another cat -- the third one -- just invited himself in, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I've never regretted taking on a cat, and wish I'd been as open to taking on children, because the joy does certainly outweigh the shit, the puking, and the torn-up furniture.
“Arthritic tube of ailments.” Five stars!
Thanks for the chuckles, Ben.
I love my dog (as shown in my profile pic) but I am not going to waste vital resources to prolong her life to delay the inevitable sadness of her parting. There is a difference between a broken leg and end stage renal failure. One you fix. one you send your dog across the rainbow bridge to save them the pain of daily living. Both are humane.
Heard a buddy refer to another friend’s child as a “skin puppy” (as opposed to a “fur baby”) and have been using it to great chagrin and laughs.
I love "skin puppy"! Skin puppies and dog puppies are needy; cats don't give a shit. I respect that.
Two adults working out of the house and then trapped by COVID will make even the most ornery cat codependent