The fact that most of her (presumably female) friends find pornography normal, is perhaps the most striking part of this. I'd expect teenage boys to fall into the trap, males are visual creatures with higher socio sexuality—but when I was growing up (and I'm still only 27), girls still found the objectification and emotionless sex of pornography gross—and the guys who were watching it, pathetic. If we've lost even the next generation of women to this then I fear there is little hope—women pressuring men to get our acts together has been one of the strongest forces of our species history—we need it.
My initial reaction was the same. As a woman, who was once an adolescent, I experienced the interest and enthusiasm for sex as all teens do. But it seemed innate to females (even as, and especially as, adolescents) to equate sex with romance. Porn just wasn't appealing to us girls (indeed, it was "gross") as it was to the boys. I thought this was a function of the female biological brain. I guess I was wrong, but that leaves me confused.
I still think it is a part of the innate function of the female brain to want romance with their sex—that's just pure evolutionary psychology 101—it is why women read more steamy novels than men while men still dominate the watcher's of visual porn. I think what's changed is that, while women still want it, they no longer feel able to demand more from men, because to demand more would be out of step with the sex-positive, short sighted, and hedonistic moment we currently occupy. Neither sex believes they owe the other literally anything anymore—and the price for that total freedom and equality is that you lose your ability to influence the other sex for the things you want in return—if a loyal wife and children are off the table, and if sex can be had without requiring real commitment and effort, then what levers do women have as a collective to make men behave better? If a single woman demands better, then men will shrug and move on to a woman who won't ask so much of them, as there are many such women available. And if neither sex is getting what they really want, than porn gives them at least some cheap pleasure to distract themselves from the overall dissatisfaction they feel. Total freedom for everyone to do whatever they feel like at all times has some downsides, it would now seem.
Yeah, that is what I would have said even 10 yrs ago.
But to be honest, after being back on the market at 49 and dating again, I gotta say that I am not so sure about that anymore.
I am getting to a point where I believe that many many women want a wallet, to be out with a good looking man, have an orgasm and send him on his way.
Maybe that is because so many of the women I date are divorced themselves, are a bit older, generally work full time. Most have kids. It certainly feels like they do not want the risks of emotional commitment, that it is a threat somehow to their stability, if not their peace. They want a good time for as long as it lasts and is convenient.
I try doing the whole gentleman thing. It is how I was raised.
Honestly, and I am thinking back hard here, I think it was the women who initiated sex most of the time. OR...at the least, created the situation where sex would be the likely outcome.
I dunno.
One theme among these women I've dated is that they are professional, single moms. SO.....and this could be a bad assumption, maybe they rarely have an opportunity to have sex cuz they are so busy or with their kids, so when the opportunity presents itself...they take it. Just a thought.
Boy oh boy, I think you have a very outdated idea of what women's steamy novels today are like. Ever since Fifty Shades of Gray, they've devolved. Romance hasn't been a thing in steamy novels for years!!! It's evolved from sadistic millionaires, then billionaires, then Alpha males, to step-brothers (one inch short of incest), and "dark romance" (literally a subgenre of its own where the woman is kidnapped to be essentially a sex slave), and bikers, then mafia, and aliens. Just go take a quick look on Amazon.
Yes. Sex without love has been completely normalized for younger generations of women now too. And often sex means sex with a submissive female. And we sit here wondering why girls don't want sex and want to "identify" as anything but being women and girls. I suspect some boys don't want to have sex for the same reason too. Maybe I'm being optimistic, but I suspect some boys don't feel comfortable having to choke, slap, or spit on another person male or female. Am I wrong?
Also, it really shouldn't be women's job to keep men in check like you suggest. Often men say they hate that, and many won't listen anyway. Men really need to admit this is becoming a top generational problem and find a way to fix it themselves.
AND...if we are being perfectly honest, most men prefer to put the woman they care about on a pedestal. Its dumb, but we do.
That does not jibe with this type of sexual activity.
Men want a woman to be better than he is in certain ways, and they want women to put up certain boundaries. Not that we too do not have our own boundaries, but we respect a woman who does as long as they are reasonable and sensible.
Men value, in this order or priority, Trust, Appreciation, Respect, and then Love. If most men were completely honest and really knew themselves, they first want to 100% trust the woman they are with. Trust her to always be there, not threaten him emotionally and not cheat. Then, they want to be appreciated for what they do. Then, they want to be respected. Only after those things are in line will a man value love. Kids are different, but still there are commonalities.
If you notice though, those are the same things that men value in their relationships with each other. I do not trust you, you lie to me, you are unreliable, then we are not gonna be friends. If I help you, work with you, have your back at work, I expect that it will be appreciated and reciprocated. Men want the respect of their peers, in fact, they will demand it if they can and have to. Then, and only then, is it possible to be friends. Only when we are friends, close friends, will I trust you with my inner thoughts. Violate that once and we will hate you forever, at least write you off.
partially agree, but even in those kinds of novels the plot is rarely "girl is abducted by a random nobody loser, raped, then discarded". No, the plot is one of a highly powerful, competent, intelligent, and dangerous man stealing the girl away because she is something special in his eyes. In the more depraved ones she might be treated poorly, so yeah maybe "romance" is the wrong word, but its not meaningless sex with strangers usually—thats still much more often the male fantasy.
As for the men fixing themselves... its a nice thought, but the sexes need each other—women need to pressure men to be better if they want to be successful with women, which should cause men to say "what are you offering us in return for that?" If women can offer a compellingly worthily exchange, then men will strive to be better in order to gain access to that kind of life. In evolutionary psychology they say that women are the gatekeepers to sex, while men are the gatekeepers to commitment—each sex has something the other wants and they need to negotiate on the grand scale for what the fair trade will be. Currently, neither sex is doing their part.
I agree, right, wrong, indifferent, men always expect women to set the social boundaries.
Women have been the keepers of society and relationships forever. Whether you think that a good thing or a bad thing is almost irrelevant. The fact is that most women are better at that than most men.
We are not wired the same and even the small differences in wiring, and those differences are on a spectrum, have a large impact. The difference between water and ice is one degree. The differences in DNA between a chimp and human is less than 1%. The differences between a man and a woman is one chromosome. Small differences can have large impacts.
Those wiring differences impact socialization as well. Boys cannot hit girls because we have a better chance of causing real harm. Boys need to be trained to repress their passionate emotions because they need to be able to control themselves when those large waves of testosterone hit and they want to get into a fight or do something stupid like jump off a cliff on a dare or take no for an answer when they are almost blinded by lust. But the cost of that discipline is that they are less and less able to easily express their emotions, sometimes out of fear of what they might say or do in anger or passion.
I find it interesting that while decrying so-called masculine toxicity, most of these romance novels are featuring male characters who seem to be just that.
All the arguments that men and women are the same cannot make a girl's brain truly enjoy porn, much less get addicted to it. Something else is going on.
Yes and no. Whatever is in the human brain is the result of many millenia of adaptation. But drugs, sex and rock 'n roll sure gained traction quick. LGBTQ+ did as well.
I speak in generalities by necessity—I agree that young woman can be, and increasingly commonly are, addicted to porn—but the majority of porn addicts are still male and I think they always will be, because porn suits male sex drives more naturally on average. Just like how the majority of smutty erotica novel readers are women. I think the situation could be summarized as, "the men of the world are retreating into porn and porn addiction, and the women of the world have decided that is normal and unavoidable and they might as well experiment with porn too, because getting the intimacy and commitment they really crave is a pipe dream." But giving up on men like that and lowering their expectations is a mistake, they need to demand better while also offering better in exchange.
Well, I guess we are learning together then. Cuz I was raised to believe the same thing as a boy.
Maybe we were taught what our parents and grandparents wanted to be true or taught us that as a means of putting the brakes on our natural inclinations that might be harmful.
Maybe a world where everyone just gets to do what pleases them in the moment is not good for the individual or society. Just a thought.
That's very much the dynamic I remember (49 years old now). It's striking how the online world affects so many different aspects of our lives. The COVID lockdowns exponentially increased the effects of online-ness. Crazy world.
That was my first thought. Boys/men used to be the target audience for porn consumption. If girls are also consuming there isn’t a resistance pushing against making these activities mainstream. What a mess our society has become.
Hello Alan – I am 68 years old and a woman. I was addicted to pornography in the 1960’s. I came from a white, middle class, religious family. I discovered it in my father’s closet and there was no going back. Reading the words of the young woman who wrote this brilliant article is like taking a breath of fresh air: It gives me hope.
I see how you might think that, but, in fact, I have found through several experiences that women seem to have a strangely strong attraction to the kind of kink that is presented in those videos. I have found myself being asked to do things that just never would have occurred to me and feeling oddly pressured about my reticence.
A woman asked me to tie her to an office chair with neck ties and ....well...let's just say it got interesting.
I've had multiple women ask me to spank them and often to do it harder.
One nurse I dated came with her own set of ropes, gags and whips. She knew exactly how she wanted the ropes tied and how to do it. Meeting her in every day, you never ever would have guessed.
Had another woman I know, a neighbor for some time, call me and ask if I wanted to have sex with her and her girlfriend.
Another woman asked me after dating awhile how I would like to go to a BDSM club or party. A party? Also asked how I felt about swinging.
This has happened with women in their 20's and in their 40's.
The only commonality I can see is that they are all American. This kind of thing never came up with the Colombian woman I dated.
I have no idea what is going on. None. It baffles me. AND...honestly, when it first came up I found it kinda intriguing. Now, it is just a turnoff that someone would ask me to degrade them in some way. No matter how nice she is, you are never gonna get that out of your head.
Is this some sort of social reaction to not being the good girl? That is actually another sort of common thread. All these women talked about how independent they were and to one degree or another had some strong feminist ideas. Is there a connection? No idea.
Where are these women getting this stuff from? Some of them barely knew how to use a computer.
That said, I have always thought that women had stronger sex drives than men. Men just do not hide ours that well. But this seems like something else and I cannot put my finger on it.
I believe the way modern feminism has “gone off script” from early feminism is a huge factor in this dynamic. What I mean is this insidious undercurrent that the only form of power is masculine and therefore women must co-opt THAT kind of power to be EM-powered. Eschew everything that for centuries has made women truly powerful (leveraging our sexuality for commitment, security and, hopefully, intimacy as well from men who were culturally pressured to actually pursue virtue, for example) and BECOME just like men in the most offensive and irresponsible ways…or to continue my theme: become like all the men with no concern for living virtuously. We all definitely need to watch the FP debate on Sept 13!
Totally right. And feminism, ironically, does not see how sexist it is to think that only the traditionally masculine forms of power are worth anything... male forms of power are easier to translate to the history books—they are louder, more obvious, but that does not mean they are all that counts.
Question though....would 50 Shades have been successful unless that was already there?
Maybe....no, not maybe, I was clearly naive about women when I was younger. Certainly this is not what my mother and sisters prepared me for.
Honestly thought for a bit that I was nuts. Maybe this is just how it is.
I still think that women are generally hornier than men are, just more disciplined. Not so sure that is true anymore. Hook up culture could only exist if there are women willing to participate.
Are these people so desperate for excitement, are they trying to prove something? OR...have these tendencies in women always existed and simply been repressed?
Is this in some way tied to the idea that women seem to be attracted to high value, alpha males, to the bad boys?
I have NO frigging idea.
How broad is this in the culture? I mean, am I just attracting edgy women who do not at first appear edgy, or is this now the norm? Cuz, I gotta tell ya, I am starting to think this has become the norm.
I have no idea either. Though from a different comment you wrote it sounds like this is your experience with "older" women as opposed to young 20 or 30 somethings? If I'm remembering correctly, I believe men hit their sexual peak in their late teens or early 20s while women hit their peak in their 40s. So that might explain some of the differences you're seeing in sex drive.
As to the proclivities towards hook ups and kink...I couldn't begin to tell you. I couldn't fathom the appeal of 50 Shades and was bewildered and bummed that there were so many women buying it. It's an alarming turn in our culture, tbh.
“Now, it is just a turnoff that someone would ask me to degrade them in some way. No matter how nice she is, you are never gonna get that out of your head.”
You don’t have to be sexually interested in it. That’s fine, and they shouldn’t be judging you for not wanting to do it. But YOU are the one who think it degrades them. YOU are the one casting the moral judgment that this somehow turns them into lesser humans.
It reminds me of the part in the movie “Gandhi” when Gandhi asks his wife to clean the toilet, and she freaks out because “it is the work of an untouchable!” There’s nothing inherently degrading about cleaning the toilet. Her culture just told her that it was. Or that episode of “The Sopranos” where the mob guys find out Uncle Junior likes going down on his girlfriend, and it’s a big hit to his reputation because they all think it’s somehow unmanly.
“She knew exactly how she wanted the ropes tied and how to do it. Meeting her in every day, you never ever would have guessed.”
Does this surprise you? Did you think she was supposed to spend her days in some pornographic “naughty nurse” costume and a collar and constantly make double entendres about ropes? Do YOU communicate your sexual preferences to others during your everyday life?
I disagree. WOL's moral instincts are totally on target. Sounds to me like he is turned off by the idea of dominating a woman, even by invitation, of linking physical intimacy and pleasure with pain, even if inflicting it rather than being on receiving end. The issue isn't "does she like it?" This idea that BDSM is just a morally neutral practice in human society completely misses the point of sexual intimacy itself. The real issue is: What is actually going on when someone seeks to be subjugated to the dominance of another person? It may be a prevalent scene behind the scenes in our culture, but that doesn't make it morally or psychologically or spiritually healthy for the human beings involved.
There’s a difference between saying something is psychologically unhealthy and saying it’s degrading. The idea that women can be somehow turned into less valuable humans through the kind of sex they have, or like to have, is just morally *wrong* to me.
Personally, I make a big distinction between bondage + domination (on one hand) and sadism + masochism. I think the latter is typically unhealthy, and no one should be doing the former in a casual relationship. But Wrung Out Lemon’s comment reeks of, “I thought she was WORTHY OF RESPECT, until I found out she was a SLUT, and now I JUST CAN’T THINK OF HER AS A VALUABLE PERSON ANYMORE.”
That is your interpretation and I think you are reading and interpreting my comments through your own prism.
I think I get the POV you are coming at them from, which explains the vehemence of your response. But I think you are mistaken and perhaps I was inelegant in my words.
1. I do not think that anyone who engages in a bit of light bondage play is unhealthy or degrading themselves. I do not think that a woman enjoying a slap on the butt doggy style is particularly unhealthy either. Toys....go for it. Teasing a woman and going down on her while she is tied up? No issue. That is play, better if she has an orgasm.
2. I DO think that when a woman says to you that she will get better at taking an anal hook, asks you to tie her hair to it while looking for your approval it is unhealthy and degrading. When a woman asks you to choke her that is not the sign of healthy sex. When a woman wants to be slapped across her body with a whip until she has welts, that is not healthy and it is degrading. When a woman runs to the bedroom and waits for you on her knees with a collar on, like a puppy, that is degrading.
So, what I am saying is that there is healthy sex and unhealthy sex. I am saying that there are certain behaviors that are not only unhealthy in themselves but that the desire to engage in them indicates something unhealthy in the mind of the person seeking it. That I find this to be not just unsexy, but actually a turnoff and that it elicits sympathy more than arousal I think says good things about me, not the other way around.
Thanks for being willing to have a civil conversation, even though I came in with the proverbial guns blazing. 🙂
I think a lot of sexual behaviors are unhealthy. But I don’t think they can reduce anyone’s inherent worth as a human being. There’s a long and brutal history of people believing that sexual behavior makes women somehow “ruined” or “lessened,” and I have an immediate negative reaction to anything resembling that mindset.
As for “something unhealthy in the mind of the person seeking it,” well, I have/have had various unhealthy things in my mind. I spent some time in a psych ward when I had suicidal postpartum depression. That didn’t “degrade” me. It wasn’t sex-related, but there but for the grace of God go I. Some women hurt themselves with unhealthy sex. Some women hurt themselves with self-harm or drugs or eating disorders, but we don’t look at a woman who eats 500 calories a day and think that she’s now degraded as a human being.
As another once-divorced guy all I can say is 'wow-zer.' As a 67-year old my early college years were spent reading the letters section in Penthouse... about which your escapades remind me. On the topic of porn, I have to say that I get a bit nostalgic about those old days when access to porn required putting on a baseball hat and sunglasses... and the movies actually had some semblance of a silly plot.
Agreed that women are just as kinky and can be just as depraved as men. I think kinks are often a coping mechanism, so having a mentally unwell populace leads to some trully wild things in the bed room. But being kinky and having a porn addiction are not the same thing—maybe the initial idea for the things they want was inspired by a scene in a porno, but that doesn't mean they are compulsively consuming porno the way men so often are. Part of that I'm sure, is that to live out the fantasy as a women requires only that they voice it out loud, while for a lot of men... well, women wont give a lot of men the time of day—let alone go along with a wild kink, so its back to the computer screen those men go, day after day.
Maybe this is what women think they need to do and enjoy to attract and keep the men they actually DO want, that 10% of what they call high value men.
Those guys are where they are and have no boundaries because they attract 80% of the women. They do not have to commit...ever...unless they want to and women seemed bound and determined to have one of them. What are they willing to do or offer to achieve that?
I agree with this, part of the problem is indeed that the majority of women are competing for a select few men who meet an increasingly narrow definition—the standards are low in the areas that contribute to long term relationship success, but thanks to dating apps standards for the few, largely superficial traits easily communicated on a dating profile have never been higher. There are about a 100 problems contributing to this mess—one is porn, another is the death of marriage, another is the effects of the dating apps, and on and on... A perfect storm
Part of me wonders too, if because of the types of women that I date, women with boat loads of responsibility, work (all these women are professionals), kids, homes etc....that they need to always be in control and this kind of thing is handing control to someone else is some form of release. I dunno...just an idea.
I believe that girls have not changed, despite the cancer that is porn. What's most remarkable to me (but not surprising) is that the American Left keeps pushing poison onto children. The Sexual Revolution was a total failure because it was built on a ridiculous premise that women want exactly the same things that men want. Abortion is a necessary consequence of that. I have argued that the Sex Rev and Roe v Wade are the best things to ever happen to... MEN! Unlimited sex without consequences??? YES! Wait, you don't want to be slapped, choked, and ejaculated on? What's wrong with you? You need to watch more porn! Congratulations to the feminist movement for self-immolating. May you quickly abort your movement into the trashbin of history.
There is always hope. Open communication with our children. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions. Be their parents, not their friends. Learn about this paradigm so you know how to speak to it. Nope. It's not easy. That's why it's called Parenting.
But I have never “accidentally” stumbled into a porn site. Teenage girls today are a species I have difficulty relating to. On the one hand, they can be fierce little emblems of radical feminism, with “Metoo” their password and rallying cry; on the other, they disfigure themselves with bizarre “body art,” metal pierced through unimaginable body parts, and clothes that look like they came through a shredder.
Maybe pornography is just another extension of this self-loathing that reduces some young women and girls to a caricature.
Having said all that, there are still legions of girls who don’t fit that self-destructive profile: girls who are dedicated students and athletes; girls with enough self-respect to reject the ludicrous notion of males in intimate spaces in the name of “inclusiveness;” girls who value kindness, family, and faith in God.
I hope Isobel can find herself in the latter category.
Isobel could not have written this essay if she were still the kind of teenaged girl you're decrying. She's a leader among the girls you admire, and she's trying to help the rest. It takes quite a lot of courage to write something like this -- especially when you are a teenager immersed in a social media culture that rejects and punishes anyone who dares to differ. Let's be careful not to blame the messenger for what's happening to an entire generation.
I understand, and I share your concern. You and I have the same worries for so many young girls caught up in today's toxic popular culture. I just think Isobel's essay shows that she has already met your kind hope for her. At her age, I would never have had the courage (not to mention the writing chops) to reveal myself so frankly to family, friends and legions of strangers. Most teenagers, including the teenager I used to be, are more interested in conforming with their friends than changing them. Like you, I hope that more young girls will find Isobel's courage.
I hate to bust your bubble, but most of the girls in your latter description are also watching porn. God or no God, values or no values...it creeps into their feeds at alarmingly young ages and without ANY prompting. If they have a smart phone or access to a computer, they've probably been exposed to it (many before they are even a teen). Older generations are completely clueless as to the lives this generation leads.
Count yourself lucky that you haven’t stumbled into porn. A skin crawling experience happened when I was preparing a lesson on pandas. My search used the word “gestation” …hardly salacious! For a few days, received multiple pictures of pandas having sex. Maybe not hard porn, but the number of sites and people expressing a non-zoological interest in panda’s life cycle was disturbing! Note: deleted them asap and quit sites.
What happens when the computer “understands” that it is a teenager using Facebook, TikTok, Google, etc. ? What do the logarithms place in front of them? Simply by voluminous and constant offerings is a weakness in self esteem found in even the strongest girls and does it devastate the girls floundering?
Interesting how tech could “shield” the public from Covid facts, but unable and uninterested in shielding children from inappropriate content.
Your comment requires repeating, “Interesting how tech could “shield” the public from Covid facts, but unable and uninterested in shielding children from inappropriate content.”
OnlyFan CEO pays himself 1.3 million/day so porn equals lots of money and the power of money. Internet based companies avoid regulation through political donations and cooperation with political agendas that suppressed accurate Covid information and Hunter’s laptop.
I think you have a lot of expectations on kids that are barely double digits in age. I know some pretty darn amazing kids and they are ALL caught up in it at some point in middle school. They are victims that don’t need the shame of; if only they had more character. Jeez
OBVIOUSLY, we need to applaud the strength and humility it took for Isobel to bring this issue into the light. She and those she describes (of all ages) demand our prayers and compassion. But, Meg…..
There are points throughout world history, certainly in America’s history, when huge expectations were placed on youth. Kids Isobel’s age were thrust into the role of saving entire families during the depression. It can be argued that American kids not much older than Isobel fought to save the world during WWI and WWII. Thank God that America’s youth have answered the bell time and again. Even in times when older folks like me forced them into wrong and unwinnable situations.
We could argue that we are in yet another time in our history where we need to expect more from our youth than we may be getting (on campuses, in the voting booth, across social media….), but we can save that discussion for another essay.
So, yes, we have HIGH expectations for Isobel and her generation. And every subsequent generation. But more importantly…. At NO time in Isobel’s essay did I get the suggestion that Isobel saw herself as a “victim.” YES, porn is an addiction! But she did not indicate that anyone helped her turn the computer on, search for porn, or watch it endlessly. Next to the ever-expanding (I can’t keep up) political pseudonym used to describe alternative lifestyles, “victim” (along with “racism”) may be the most over-used word in the lexicon. We deserve the results of what we vote for, what we eat, say, and how we act around others.
And Lady in the lake, I saw nothing in the essay to suggest that Isobel “values kindness, family, and faith in God.” She certainly is showing concern for her generation on this important issue, so let’s assume she is kind and values her family, although the multi-colored veggies dropped from her mom’s “helicopter” seem to be an issue.😊 But I saw no mention of faith OR God. Perhaps there is a follow-up in her future?
NICE WORK, ISOBEL! Thank you for bringing this to our attention. And, YES. We are expecting a hell of a lot from you and your generation! More on each and every passing day! NO DAYS OFF!! [and eat your veggies!!]
I’m not aware of adolescents having a votes in anything, including what they have for dinner. I am curious if Isobel sees her 11 year old self as a victim. Her 16 year old self sure seems to be trying to protect others. This is hardly an example of the Victimhood Olympics many are competing in. I respectfully don’t understand your point at all.
I read frequently how often young women who want to transition cite access to online porn as a factor--if that’s what sex is about --and what women are subjected to--they don’t want any part of it. The normalization and availability of it, plus the increase in OnlyFans being an acceptable, “empowered” way for women to make money, is tragic. It’s ruining interactions between men and women, from teens on up. And treating it as an addictive substance that requires regulation is the way. To talk about it like it’s “sexual health education” is just...degenerate. I think adults and parents would be absolutely horrified at what their kids are seeing--we think porn is cosplaying like a naughty 1980’s playboy magazine, and it’s 1000x worse (and meaner) than that.
When I was young, growing up in South Africa, pornography was banned by the Afrikaans “verkrampte” government. We had no television and no internet. Somebody’s father had a Playboy magazine that had been smuggled through customs; we all were shocked and had a laugh when we looked at it - probably aged 14. Like Lady in the Lake, I’ve never stumbled across porn on the internet and like NCMaureen I had no idea that it involved choking and spitting etc. I’m so shocked that even well-brought up girls like Isabel saw this aged ten. I really want it banned outright!
The porn I found on my 11 year olds daughter’s phone, daily histories showing repeat visits, would scare the daylights out of anyone. Bonding breasts and going by he, seems a rational decision!
In an FP interview about JK Rowling and the trans issue, there was a young boy who didn’t want to experience adolescence and was taking hormones to avoid growing up. His choice could also be rationalized.
If Isabel is a runner up I can't wait to see who won this contest. This young lady has achieved a level of awareness the majority of "progressive" parents 2-3 times her age couldn't fathom. Give her another assignment, Bari!
I’m a mother of 20-yr-olds whom, like you, viewed porn while young and suffer extreme anxiety. My daughter was saved by attending a no-cellphone school but my son hid his troubles and continued without intervention and now is listless and directionless, and complains of all manner of screen-induced ailments. Yet his behavior continues. These two essays confirm sad cellphone-induced problems in todays youth.
It is terrifying to think that a young girl's first knowledge of intimacy comes from a porno website. Imagining a generation of kids whose expectations and fantasies are fueled by distorted, cold, abusive images is beyond disturbing. Parents who are eager to win their child's affection by providing early access to technology need to think again - internet access is akin to keys for the gates of hell. God save us. Nice work Isabel - your words are powerful and important! Thank you!
Maureen, unfortunately this shit has been transmitted to the movie screen. It is now possible to see a woman slammed against a wall while the man pulls her hair, slaps her, while banging away at her. And the woman LIKED IT! I saw this in the movie "Chiraq".
My initial reaction was that this essay was created by AI as it is too broadly researched and astoundingly well written to have come from the mind and fingers of a teenager. My second reaction was reminding myself that over the years I have been occasionally astounded by a teenager's competence -- music, public service, oratory -- and have come away inspired to believe that America isn't "going to hell in a handbasket and there is nothing that can be done to stop the descent." I'm going with my second reaction.
And if I were a school board member in anywhere America, I would somehow get this essay into parents' inbox and ask them if they would prefer that their teenager opt-out of the class where this essay is shared and discussed.
Thanks for writing this. Most adults are too afraid to acknowledge porn, even though statistics say a vast majority of us are using it. It is even more difficult to talk about when you're a kid, I image. This took real courage.
This article was fantastic. I am so glad I was not raised in the age of porn. I can remember stumbling on these sites as a young man and the inner battles it provoked, but I had developed skills through education and life that pre-teens and teens do not.
Isabel tells how she learns about the birds and the bees, but the birds are tied up, and the bees are altered with silicone and plastic. What they are seeing is disturbing their reality and stunting their growth. You don't have to be a Puritan to know it's wrong.
This article also speaks to the lack of dating and relationships, as porn makes your partners disposable objects to be cast aside when the fun ends. It doesn't teach responsibility, love, and commitment. It makes the life of an individual over a couple. Our culture does not promote healthy relationships, and that vacuum is filled with porn and the frivolity of Tik Tok and Instagram.
Isabel was remarkable in how she shared her story, and I hope she continues to realize her talents and live a happy, successful life.
I know you’re going to read all of the comments. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing and for sharing your disappointment with the things adults should have protected you from. The things you’ve seen shouldn’t have been made.
I want you to know something very important. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Look that up).
Prayer is a powerful thing. It can heal hearts and minds. It can bring together two people whose lives are changed forever for knowing each other (and “knowing” each other). It can give you hope and peace.
I know because I’ve been there too. I’ve seen it, and felt it. I’ve had my mind and heart broken from things I thought I could never un-see.
The world, as you’ve so cruelly discovered already, is a broken place. But there is hope in prayer.
Best of luck as you start a new school year. I’ll be praying for you.
Brilliant young woman and a clarion call for sanity. Caleb's essay was great but Isabel is the clear winner. Her essay should be the equivalent of Sound of Freedom (another important call against the forces of darkness)/
We all know this is not normal. We are being led down the garden path by some very evil people in tech. Ironic that the very people who shriek about "violence against women" call children's access to porn a "free speech issue." These websites need to be shut down unless they can prove that minors are forbidden access. And even then the damage being done to males (and consequently females) by these purveyors of perversity is almost beyond measure. Gratitude to Isabel for pull back the curtain on this depravity.
> We are being led down the garden path by some very evil people in tech
I do not believe this is (just) the work of evil, simply by the "free market" plus a lack of morality. Increasingly extreme and awful types of pornography sell. People want to look at these things. Advertisers make money.
There are allegations that certain types of pornography may be propped up or pushed by evil people - some seem like conspiracy theories, some seem slightly more credible. However, the fault here lies with the utter lack of morals; the desire to make money at the expense of a generation's ability to form normal ideas about sex.
Looking at it from that perspective, it *is* evil. I've always imagined "evil" and malicious, but I guess simply being indifferent to who your audience is, and allowing such extremely perverted material to reach them, can be just as evil as maliciously attempting to expose children to it.
The fact that most of her (presumably female) friends find pornography normal, is perhaps the most striking part of this. I'd expect teenage boys to fall into the trap, males are visual creatures with higher socio sexuality—but when I was growing up (and I'm still only 27), girls still found the objectification and emotionless sex of pornography gross—and the guys who were watching it, pathetic. If we've lost even the next generation of women to this then I fear there is little hope—women pressuring men to get our acts together has been one of the strongest forces of our species history—we need it.
My initial reaction was the same. As a woman, who was once an adolescent, I experienced the interest and enthusiasm for sex as all teens do. But it seemed innate to females (even as, and especially as, adolescents) to equate sex with romance. Porn just wasn't appealing to us girls (indeed, it was "gross") as it was to the boys. I thought this was a function of the female biological brain. I guess I was wrong, but that leaves me confused.
I still think it is a part of the innate function of the female brain to want romance with their sex—that's just pure evolutionary psychology 101—it is why women read more steamy novels than men while men still dominate the watcher's of visual porn. I think what's changed is that, while women still want it, they no longer feel able to demand more from men, because to demand more would be out of step with the sex-positive, short sighted, and hedonistic moment we currently occupy. Neither sex believes they owe the other literally anything anymore—and the price for that total freedom and equality is that you lose your ability to influence the other sex for the things you want in return—if a loyal wife and children are off the table, and if sex can be had without requiring real commitment and effort, then what levers do women have as a collective to make men behave better? If a single woman demands better, then men will shrug and move on to a woman who won't ask so much of them, as there are many such women available. And if neither sex is getting what they really want, than porn gives them at least some cheap pleasure to distract themselves from the overall dissatisfaction they feel. Total freedom for everyone to do whatever they feel like at all times has some downsides, it would now seem.
I think women want intimacy. I think that creates what used to be known as chemistry.
Yeah, that is what I would have said even 10 yrs ago.
But to be honest, after being back on the market at 49 and dating again, I gotta say that I am not so sure about that anymore.
I am getting to a point where I believe that many many women want a wallet, to be out with a good looking man, have an orgasm and send him on his way.
Maybe that is because so many of the women I date are divorced themselves, are a bit older, generally work full time. Most have kids. It certainly feels like they do not want the risks of emotional commitment, that it is a threat somehow to their stability, if not their peace. They want a good time for as long as it lasts and is convenient.
That is true too. But if you find a woman who wants intimacy before sex, she will be a keeper. Assuming of course that is what you want.
To be honest Lynne....
I try doing the whole gentleman thing. It is how I was raised.
Honestly, and I am thinking back hard here, I think it was the women who initiated sex most of the time. OR...at the least, created the situation where sex would be the likely outcome.
I dunno.
One theme among these women I've dated is that they are professional, single moms. SO.....and this could be a bad assumption, maybe they rarely have an opportunity to have sex cuz they are so busy or with their kids, so when the opportunity presents itself...they take it. Just a thought.
Boy oh boy, I think you have a very outdated idea of what women's steamy novels today are like. Ever since Fifty Shades of Gray, they've devolved. Romance hasn't been a thing in steamy novels for years!!! It's evolved from sadistic millionaires, then billionaires, then Alpha males, to step-brothers (one inch short of incest), and "dark romance" (literally a subgenre of its own where the woman is kidnapped to be essentially a sex slave), and bikers, then mafia, and aliens. Just go take a quick look on Amazon.
Yes. Sex without love has been completely normalized for younger generations of women now too. And often sex means sex with a submissive female. And we sit here wondering why girls don't want sex and want to "identify" as anything but being women and girls. I suspect some boys don't want to have sex for the same reason too. Maybe I'm being optimistic, but I suspect some boys don't feel comfortable having to choke, slap, or spit on another person male or female. Am I wrong?
Also, it really shouldn't be women's job to keep men in check like you suggest. Often men say they hate that, and many won't listen anyway. Men really need to admit this is becoming a top generational problem and find a way to fix it themselves.
You are not wrong.
AND...if we are being perfectly honest, most men prefer to put the woman they care about on a pedestal. Its dumb, but we do.
That does not jibe with this type of sexual activity.
Men want a woman to be better than he is in certain ways, and they want women to put up certain boundaries. Not that we too do not have our own boundaries, but we respect a woman who does as long as they are reasonable and sensible.
Men value, in this order or priority, Trust, Appreciation, Respect, and then Love. If most men were completely honest and really knew themselves, they first want to 100% trust the woman they are with. Trust her to always be there, not threaten him emotionally and not cheat. Then, they want to be appreciated for what they do. Then, they want to be respected. Only after those things are in line will a man value love. Kids are different, but still there are commonalities.
If you notice though, those are the same things that men value in their relationships with each other. I do not trust you, you lie to me, you are unreliable, then we are not gonna be friends. If I help you, work with you, have your back at work, I expect that it will be appreciated and reciprocated. Men want the respect of their peers, in fact, they will demand it if they can and have to. Then, and only then, is it possible to be friends. Only when we are friends, close friends, will I trust you with my inner thoughts. Violate that once and we will hate you forever, at least write you off.
partially agree, but even in those kinds of novels the plot is rarely "girl is abducted by a random nobody loser, raped, then discarded". No, the plot is one of a highly powerful, competent, intelligent, and dangerous man stealing the girl away because she is something special in his eyes. In the more depraved ones she might be treated poorly, so yeah maybe "romance" is the wrong word, but its not meaningless sex with strangers usually—thats still much more often the male fantasy.
As for the men fixing themselves... its a nice thought, but the sexes need each other—women need to pressure men to be better if they want to be successful with women, which should cause men to say "what are you offering us in return for that?" If women can offer a compellingly worthily exchange, then men will strive to be better in order to gain access to that kind of life. In evolutionary psychology they say that women are the gatekeepers to sex, while men are the gatekeepers to commitment—each sex has something the other wants and they need to negotiate on the grand scale for what the fair trade will be. Currently, neither sex is doing their part.
I agree, right, wrong, indifferent, men always expect women to set the social boundaries.
Women have been the keepers of society and relationships forever. Whether you think that a good thing or a bad thing is almost irrelevant. The fact is that most women are better at that than most men.
We are not wired the same and even the small differences in wiring, and those differences are on a spectrum, have a large impact. The difference between water and ice is one degree. The differences in DNA between a chimp and human is less than 1%. The differences between a man and a woman is one chromosome. Small differences can have large impacts.
Those wiring differences impact socialization as well. Boys cannot hit girls because we have a better chance of causing real harm. Boys need to be trained to repress their passionate emotions because they need to be able to control themselves when those large waves of testosterone hit and they want to get into a fight or do something stupid like jump off a cliff on a dare or take no for an answer when they are almost blinded by lust. But the cost of that discipline is that they are less and less able to easily express their emotions, sometimes out of fear of what they might say or do in anger or passion.
well said, totally agree with this^
I find it interesting that while decrying so-called masculine toxicity, most of these romance novels are featuring male characters who seem to be just that.
stated preferences VS revealed preferences—people often have no clue what they want, only what they think they are supposed to want
Yeah, sad.
Fair enough, but that does not explain why adolescent girls would get addicted to porn.
It is the logical result of the type of feminism that views men and women as the same.
All the arguments that men and women are the same cannot make a girl's brain truly enjoy porn, much less get addicted to it. Something else is going on.
Yes and no. Whatever is in the human brain is the result of many millenia of adaptation. But drugs, sex and rock 'n roll sure gained traction quick. LGBTQ+ did as well.
I speak in generalities by necessity—I agree that young woman can be, and increasingly commonly are, addicted to porn—but the majority of porn addicts are still male and I think they always will be, because porn suits male sex drives more naturally on average. Just like how the majority of smutty erotica novel readers are women. I think the situation could be summarized as, "the men of the world are retreating into porn and porn addiction, and the women of the world have decided that is normal and unavoidable and they might as well experiment with porn too, because getting the intimacy and commitment they really crave is a pipe dream." But giving up on men like that and lowering their expectations is a mistake, they need to demand better while also offering better in exchange.
Well, I guess we are learning together then. Cuz I was raised to believe the same thing as a boy.
Maybe we were taught what our parents and grandparents wanted to be true or taught us that as a means of putting the brakes on our natural inclinations that might be harmful.
Maybe a world where everyone just gets to do what pleases them in the moment is not good for the individual or society. Just a thought.
That's very much the dynamic I remember (49 years old now). It's striking how the online world affects so many different aspects of our lives. The COVID lockdowns exponentially increased the effects of online-ness. Crazy world.
That was my first thought. Boys/men used to be the target audience for porn consumption. If girls are also consuming there isn’t a resistance pushing against making these activities mainstream. What a mess our society has become.
Hello Alan – I am 68 years old and a woman. I was addicted to pornography in the 1960’s. I came from a white, middle class, religious family. I discovered it in my father’s closet and there was no going back. Reading the words of the young woman who wrote this brilliant article is like taking a breath of fresh air: It gives me hope.
I see how you might think that, but, in fact, I have found through several experiences that women seem to have a strangely strong attraction to the kind of kink that is presented in those videos. I have found myself being asked to do things that just never would have occurred to me and feeling oddly pressured about my reticence.
A woman asked me to tie her to an office chair with neck ties and ....well...let's just say it got interesting.
I've had multiple women ask me to spank them and often to do it harder.
One nurse I dated came with her own set of ropes, gags and whips. She knew exactly how she wanted the ropes tied and how to do it. Meeting her in every day, you never ever would have guessed.
Had another woman I know, a neighbor for some time, call me and ask if I wanted to have sex with her and her girlfriend.
Another woman asked me after dating awhile how I would like to go to a BDSM club or party. A party? Also asked how I felt about swinging.
This has happened with women in their 20's and in their 40's.
The only commonality I can see is that they are all American. This kind of thing never came up with the Colombian woman I dated.
I have no idea what is going on. None. It baffles me. AND...honestly, when it first came up I found it kinda intriguing. Now, it is just a turnoff that someone would ask me to degrade them in some way. No matter how nice she is, you are never gonna get that out of your head.
Is this some sort of social reaction to not being the good girl? That is actually another sort of common thread. All these women talked about how independent they were and to one degree or another had some strong feminist ideas. Is there a connection? No idea.
Where are these women getting this stuff from? Some of them barely knew how to use a computer.
That said, I have always thought that women had stronger sex drives than men. Men just do not hide ours that well. But this seems like something else and I cannot put my finger on it.
I believe the way modern feminism has “gone off script” from early feminism is a huge factor in this dynamic. What I mean is this insidious undercurrent that the only form of power is masculine and therefore women must co-opt THAT kind of power to be EM-powered. Eschew everything that for centuries has made women truly powerful (leveraging our sexuality for commitment, security and, hopefully, intimacy as well from men who were culturally pressured to actually pursue virtue, for example) and BECOME just like men in the most offensive and irresponsible ways…or to continue my theme: become like all the men with no concern for living virtuously. We all definitely need to watch the FP debate on Sept 13!
Totally right. And feminism, ironically, does not see how sexist it is to think that only the traditionally masculine forms of power are worth anything... male forms of power are easier to translate to the history books—they are louder, more obvious, but that does not mean they are all that counts.
Ah....now there is a rational that would seem to make sense.
TY
“Where are these women getting this stuff from?”
Fifty Shades of Grey, would be my guess. Unless your experiences predate that sorry excuse for a “romance” novel...
Some of it does. Most after.
Question though....would 50 Shades have been successful unless that was already there?
Maybe....no, not maybe, I was clearly naive about women when I was younger. Certainly this is not what my mother and sisters prepared me for.
Honestly thought for a bit that I was nuts. Maybe this is just how it is.
I still think that women are generally hornier than men are, just more disciplined. Not so sure that is true anymore. Hook up culture could only exist if there are women willing to participate.
Are these people so desperate for excitement, are they trying to prove something? OR...have these tendencies in women always existed and simply been repressed?
Is this in some way tied to the idea that women seem to be attracted to high value, alpha males, to the bad boys?
I have NO frigging idea.
How broad is this in the culture? I mean, am I just attracting edgy women who do not at first appear edgy, or is this now the norm? Cuz, I gotta tell ya, I am starting to think this has become the norm.
I have no idea either. Though from a different comment you wrote it sounds like this is your experience with "older" women as opposed to young 20 or 30 somethings? If I'm remembering correctly, I believe men hit their sexual peak in their late teens or early 20s while women hit their peak in their 40s. So that might explain some of the differences you're seeing in sex drive.
As to the proclivities towards hook ups and kink...I couldn't begin to tell you. I couldn't fathom the appeal of 50 Shades and was bewildered and bummed that there were so many women buying it. It's an alarming turn in our culture, tbh.
“Now, it is just a turnoff that someone would ask me to degrade them in some way. No matter how nice she is, you are never gonna get that out of your head.”
You don’t have to be sexually interested in it. That’s fine, and they shouldn’t be judging you for not wanting to do it. But YOU are the one who think it degrades them. YOU are the one casting the moral judgment that this somehow turns them into lesser humans.
It reminds me of the part in the movie “Gandhi” when Gandhi asks his wife to clean the toilet, and she freaks out because “it is the work of an untouchable!” There’s nothing inherently degrading about cleaning the toilet. Her culture just told her that it was. Or that episode of “The Sopranos” where the mob guys find out Uncle Junior likes going down on his girlfriend, and it’s a big hit to his reputation because they all think it’s somehow unmanly.
“She knew exactly how she wanted the ropes tied and how to do it. Meeting her in every day, you never ever would have guessed.”
Does this surprise you? Did you think she was supposed to spend her days in some pornographic “naughty nurse” costume and a collar and constantly make double entendres about ropes? Do YOU communicate your sexual preferences to others during your everyday life?
I disagree. WOL's moral instincts are totally on target. Sounds to me like he is turned off by the idea of dominating a woman, even by invitation, of linking physical intimacy and pleasure with pain, even if inflicting it rather than being on receiving end. The issue isn't "does she like it?" This idea that BDSM is just a morally neutral practice in human society completely misses the point of sexual intimacy itself. The real issue is: What is actually going on when someone seeks to be subjugated to the dominance of another person? It may be a prevalent scene behind the scenes in our culture, but that doesn't make it morally or psychologically or spiritually healthy for the human beings involved.
Thank you, you expressed my own thinking more articulately than I did.
There’s a difference between saying something is psychologically unhealthy and saying it’s degrading. The idea that women can be somehow turned into less valuable humans through the kind of sex they have, or like to have, is just morally *wrong* to me.
Personally, I make a big distinction between bondage + domination (on one hand) and sadism + masochism. I think the latter is typically unhealthy, and no one should be doing the former in a casual relationship. But Wrung Out Lemon’s comment reeks of, “I thought she was WORTHY OF RESPECT, until I found out she was a SLUT, and now I JUST CAN’T THINK OF HER AS A VALUABLE PERSON ANYMORE.”
That is your interpretation and I think you are reading and interpreting my comments through your own prism.
I think I get the POV you are coming at them from, which explains the vehemence of your response. But I think you are mistaken and perhaps I was inelegant in my words.
1. I do not think that anyone who engages in a bit of light bondage play is unhealthy or degrading themselves. I do not think that a woman enjoying a slap on the butt doggy style is particularly unhealthy either. Toys....go for it. Teasing a woman and going down on her while she is tied up? No issue. That is play, better if she has an orgasm.
2. I DO think that when a woman says to you that she will get better at taking an anal hook, asks you to tie her hair to it while looking for your approval it is unhealthy and degrading. When a woman asks you to choke her that is not the sign of healthy sex. When a woman wants to be slapped across her body with a whip until she has welts, that is not healthy and it is degrading. When a woman runs to the bedroom and waits for you on her knees with a collar on, like a puppy, that is degrading.
So, what I am saying is that there is healthy sex and unhealthy sex. I am saying that there are certain behaviors that are not only unhealthy in themselves but that the desire to engage in them indicates something unhealthy in the mind of the person seeking it. That I find this to be not just unsexy, but actually a turnoff and that it elicits sympathy more than arousal I think says good things about me, not the other way around.
Lemon, I agree with you. The behaviour of these women is definitively degrading.
Thanks for being willing to have a civil conversation, even though I came in with the proverbial guns blazing. 🙂
I think a lot of sexual behaviors are unhealthy. But I don’t think they can reduce anyone’s inherent worth as a human being. There’s a long and brutal history of people believing that sexual behavior makes women somehow “ruined” or “lessened,” and I have an immediate negative reaction to anything resembling that mindset.
As for “something unhealthy in the mind of the person seeking it,” well, I have/have had various unhealthy things in my mind. I spent some time in a psych ward when I had suicidal postpartum depression. That didn’t “degrade” me. It wasn’t sex-related, but there but for the grace of God go I. Some women hurt themselves with unhealthy sex. Some women hurt themselves with self-harm or drugs or eating disorders, but we don’t look at a woman who eats 500 calories a day and think that she’s now degraded as a human being.
As another once-divorced guy all I can say is 'wow-zer.' As a 67-year old my early college years were spent reading the letters section in Penthouse... about which your escapades remind me. On the topic of porn, I have to say that I get a bit nostalgic about those old days when access to porn required putting on a baseball hat and sunglasses... and the movies actually had some semblance of a silly plot.
"I have no idea what is going on."
They, too, learned it from porn. That's the whole point of the article.
Agreed that women are just as kinky and can be just as depraved as men. I think kinks are often a coping mechanism, so having a mentally unwell populace leads to some trully wild things in the bed room. But being kinky and having a porn addiction are not the same thing—maybe the initial idea for the things they want was inspired by a scene in a porno, but that doesn't mean they are compulsively consuming porno the way men so often are. Part of that I'm sure, is that to live out the fantasy as a women requires only that they voice it out loud, while for a lot of men... well, women wont give a lot of men the time of day—let alone go along with a wild kink, so its back to the computer screen those men go, day after day.
Maybe this is what women think they need to do and enjoy to attract and keep the men they actually DO want, that 10% of what they call high value men.
Those guys are where they are and have no boundaries because they attract 80% of the women. They do not have to commit...ever...unless they want to and women seemed bound and determined to have one of them. What are they willing to do or offer to achieve that?
I agree with this, part of the problem is indeed that the majority of women are competing for a select few men who meet an increasingly narrow definition—the standards are low in the areas that contribute to long term relationship success, but thanks to dating apps standards for the few, largely superficial traits easily communicated on a dating profile have never been higher. There are about a 100 problems contributing to this mess—one is porn, another is the death of marriage, another is the effects of the dating apps, and on and on... A perfect storm
I do not disagree.
Part of me wonders too, if because of the types of women that I date, women with boat loads of responsibility, work (all these women are professionals), kids, homes etc....that they need to always be in control and this kind of thing is handing control to someone else is some form of release. I dunno...just an idea.
Maybe its some combination as you suggest
I believe that girls have not changed, despite the cancer that is porn. What's most remarkable to me (but not surprising) is that the American Left keeps pushing poison onto children. The Sexual Revolution was a total failure because it was built on a ridiculous premise that women want exactly the same things that men want. Abortion is a necessary consequence of that. I have argued that the Sex Rev and Roe v Wade are the best things to ever happen to... MEN! Unlimited sex without consequences??? YES! Wait, you don't want to be slapped, choked, and ejaculated on? What's wrong with you? You need to watch more porn! Congratulations to the feminist movement for self-immolating. May you quickly abort your movement into the trashbin of history.
There is always hope. Open communication with our children. Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions. Be their parents, not their friends. Learn about this paradigm so you know how to speak to it. Nope. It's not easy. That's why it's called Parenting.
Disclaimer: I’m old.
But I have never “accidentally” stumbled into a porn site. Teenage girls today are a species I have difficulty relating to. On the one hand, they can be fierce little emblems of radical feminism, with “Metoo” their password and rallying cry; on the other, they disfigure themselves with bizarre “body art,” metal pierced through unimaginable body parts, and clothes that look like they came through a shredder.
Maybe pornography is just another extension of this self-loathing that reduces some young women and girls to a caricature.
Having said all that, there are still legions of girls who don’t fit that self-destructive profile: girls who are dedicated students and athletes; girls with enough self-respect to reject the ludicrous notion of males in intimate spaces in the name of “inclusiveness;” girls who value kindness, family, and faith in God.
I hope Isobel can find herself in the latter category.
Isobel could not have written this essay if she were still the kind of teenaged girl you're decrying. She's a leader among the girls you admire, and she's trying to help the rest. It takes quite a lot of courage to write something like this -- especially when you are a teenager immersed in a social media culture that rejects and punishes anyone who dares to differ. Let's be careful not to blame the messenger for what's happening to an entire generation.
My comment specifically expresses a hope for Isobel. The rest is observation of popular culture.
I understand, and I share your concern. You and I have the same worries for so many young girls caught up in today's toxic popular culture. I just think Isobel's essay shows that she has already met your kind hope for her. At her age, I would never have had the courage (not to mention the writing chops) to reveal myself so frankly to family, friends and legions of strangers. Most teenagers, including the teenager I used to be, are more interested in conforming with their friends than changing them. Like you, I hope that more young girls will find Isobel's courage.
👍💯
I hate to bust your bubble, but most of the girls in your latter description are also watching porn. God or no God, values or no values...it creeps into their feeds at alarmingly young ages and without ANY prompting. If they have a smart phone or access to a computer, they've probably been exposed to it (many before they are even a teen). Older generations are completely clueless as to the lives this generation leads.
They need help from adults, and that's what Isobel is asking for. We need to help her to get those in power to pay attention.
💯… this is a societal level problem. Parents and kids don’t have a chance.
Count yourself lucky that you haven’t stumbled into porn. A skin crawling experience happened when I was preparing a lesson on pandas. My search used the word “gestation” …hardly salacious! For a few days, received multiple pictures of pandas having sex. Maybe not hard porn, but the number of sites and people expressing a non-zoological interest in panda’s life cycle was disturbing! Note: deleted them asap and quit sites.
What happens when the computer “understands” that it is a teenager using Facebook, TikTok, Google, etc. ? What do the logarithms place in front of them? Simply by voluminous and constant offerings is a weakness in self esteem found in even the strongest girls and does it devastate the girls floundering?
Interesting how tech could “shield” the public from Covid facts, but unable and uninterested in shielding children from inappropriate content.
Your comment requires repeating, “Interesting how tech could “shield” the public from Covid facts, but unable and uninterested in shielding children from inappropriate content.”
OnlyFan CEO pays himself 1.3 million/day so porn equals lots of money and the power of money. Internet based companies avoid regulation through political donations and cooperation with political agendas that suppressed accurate Covid information and Hunter’s laptop.
VERY interesting.
I think you have a lot of expectations on kids that are barely double digits in age. I know some pretty darn amazing kids and they are ALL caught up in it at some point in middle school. They are victims that don’t need the shame of; if only they had more character. Jeez
OBVIOUSLY, we need to applaud the strength and humility it took for Isobel to bring this issue into the light. She and those she describes (of all ages) demand our prayers and compassion. But, Meg…..
There are points throughout world history, certainly in America’s history, when huge expectations were placed on youth. Kids Isobel’s age were thrust into the role of saving entire families during the depression. It can be argued that American kids not much older than Isobel fought to save the world during WWI and WWII. Thank God that America’s youth have answered the bell time and again. Even in times when older folks like me forced them into wrong and unwinnable situations.
We could argue that we are in yet another time in our history where we need to expect more from our youth than we may be getting (on campuses, in the voting booth, across social media….), but we can save that discussion for another essay.
So, yes, we have HIGH expectations for Isobel and her generation. And every subsequent generation. But more importantly…. At NO time in Isobel’s essay did I get the suggestion that Isobel saw herself as a “victim.” YES, porn is an addiction! But she did not indicate that anyone helped her turn the computer on, search for porn, or watch it endlessly. Next to the ever-expanding (I can’t keep up) political pseudonym used to describe alternative lifestyles, “victim” (along with “racism”) may be the most over-used word in the lexicon. We deserve the results of what we vote for, what we eat, say, and how we act around others.
And Lady in the lake, I saw nothing in the essay to suggest that Isobel “values kindness, family, and faith in God.” She certainly is showing concern for her generation on this important issue, so let’s assume she is kind and values her family, although the multi-colored veggies dropped from her mom’s “helicopter” seem to be an issue.😊 But I saw no mention of faith OR God. Perhaps there is a follow-up in her future?
NICE WORK, ISOBEL! Thank you for bringing this to our attention. And, YES. We are expecting a hell of a lot from you and your generation! More on each and every passing day! NO DAYS OFF!! [and eat your veggies!!]
I’m not aware of adolescents having a votes in anything, including what they have for dinner. I am curious if Isobel sees her 11 year old self as a victim. Her 16 year old self sure seems to be trying to protect others. This is hardly an example of the Victimhood Olympics many are competing in. I respectfully don’t understand your point at all.
I read frequently how often young women who want to transition cite access to online porn as a factor--if that’s what sex is about --and what women are subjected to--they don’t want any part of it. The normalization and availability of it, plus the increase in OnlyFans being an acceptable, “empowered” way for women to make money, is tragic. It’s ruining interactions between men and women, from teens on up. And treating it as an addictive substance that requires regulation is the way. To talk about it like it’s “sexual health education” is just...degenerate. I think adults and parents would be absolutely horrified at what their kids are seeing--we think porn is cosplaying like a naughty 1980’s playboy magazine, and it’s 1000x worse (and meaner) than that.
When I was young, growing up in South Africa, pornography was banned by the Afrikaans “verkrampte” government. We had no television and no internet. Somebody’s father had a Playboy magazine that had been smuggled through customs; we all were shocked and had a laugh when we looked at it - probably aged 14. Like Lady in the Lake, I’ve never stumbled across porn on the internet and like NCMaureen I had no idea that it involved choking and spitting etc. I’m so shocked that even well-brought up girls like Isabel saw this aged ten. I really want it banned outright!
combine that with rap music and you have the perfect storm for rape and murder
The porn I found on my 11 year olds daughter’s phone, daily histories showing repeat visits, would scare the daylights out of anyone. Bonding breasts and going by he, seems a rational decision!
In an FP interview about JK Rowling and the trans issue, there was a young boy who didn’t want to experience adolescence and was taking hormones to avoid growing up. His choice could also be rationalized.
Like any man, I’ve watched online porn.
That stuff is nasty, man.
What’s worse is that you don’t realize it while you’re enmeshed in it.
I’ve gone without looking at it for about a year now.
That is what freedom is; the ability to deny yourself.
Dude…❤️. Yes, free to make the decision that’s best for you, not the decision your appetite demands. Discipline equals freedom
If Isabel is a runner up I can't wait to see who won this contest. This young lady has achieved a level of awareness the majority of "progressive" parents 2-3 times her age couldn't fathom. Give her another assignment, Bari!
And yet, progressive teachers feel that immersing kindergarteners in transgender studies is okey dokey...
I’m a mother of 20-yr-olds whom, like you, viewed porn while young and suffer extreme anxiety. My daughter was saved by attending a no-cellphone school but my son hid his troubles and continued without intervention and now is listless and directionless, and complains of all manner of screen-induced ailments. Yet his behavior continues. These two essays confirm sad cellphone-induced problems in todays youth.
Thank you both for sharing your writing talents.
Congrats on the contest, you’re a terrific writer and surely have a bright career ahead of you
It is terrifying to think that a young girl's first knowledge of intimacy comes from a porno website. Imagining a generation of kids whose expectations and fantasies are fueled by distorted, cold, abusive images is beyond disturbing. Parents who are eager to win their child's affection by providing early access to technology need to think again - internet access is akin to keys for the gates of hell. God save us. Nice work Isabel - your words are powerful and important! Thank you!
Well, I’ve been living in a cave. I thought Hustler magazine was bad.
What kind of sick freaks make this shit? Let’s tie them up and choke them, see how they like it.
Agree.
They clearly say "we're coming for your children and grandchildren."
Our reply - "not so fast, we're coming for you!"
Maureen, unfortunately this shit has been transmitted to the movie screen. It is now possible to see a woman slammed against a wall while the man pulls her hair, slaps her, while banging away at her. And the woman LIKED IT! I saw this in the movie "Chiraq".
It was unbelievably disturbing to know that a child wrote this. The world needs pearl clutching conservatives more than ever.
My initial reaction was that this essay was created by AI as it is too broadly researched and astoundingly well written to have come from the mind and fingers of a teenager. My second reaction was reminding myself that over the years I have been occasionally astounded by a teenager's competence -- music, public service, oratory -- and have come away inspired to believe that America isn't "going to hell in a handbasket and there is nothing that can be done to stop the descent." I'm going with my second reaction.
And if I were a school board member in anywhere America, I would somehow get this essay into parents' inbox and ask them if they would prefer that their teenager opt-out of the class where this essay is shared and discussed.
The school boards are too obsessed with DEI to worry about the actual health and sanity of their charges.
Thanks for writing this. Most adults are too afraid to acknowledge porn, even though statistics say a vast majority of us are using it. It is even more difficult to talk about when you're a kid, I image. This took real courage.
This article was fantastic. I am so glad I was not raised in the age of porn. I can remember stumbling on these sites as a young man and the inner battles it provoked, but I had developed skills through education and life that pre-teens and teens do not.
Isabel tells how she learns about the birds and the bees, but the birds are tied up, and the bees are altered with silicone and plastic. What they are seeing is disturbing their reality and stunting their growth. You don't have to be a Puritan to know it's wrong.
This article also speaks to the lack of dating and relationships, as porn makes your partners disposable objects to be cast aside when the fun ends. It doesn't teach responsibility, love, and commitment. It makes the life of an individual over a couple. Our culture does not promote healthy relationships, and that vacuum is filled with porn and the frivolity of Tik Tok and Instagram.
Isabel was remarkable in how she shared her story, and I hope she continues to realize her talents and live a happy, successful life.
Dear Isabel,
I know you’re going to read all of the comments. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing and for sharing your disappointment with the things adults should have protected you from. The things you’ve seen shouldn’t have been made.
I want you to know something very important. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Look that up).
Prayer is a powerful thing. It can heal hearts and minds. It can bring together two people whose lives are changed forever for knowing each other (and “knowing” each other). It can give you hope and peace.
I know because I’ve been there too. I’ve seen it, and felt it. I’ve had my mind and heart broken from things I thought I could never un-see.
The world, as you’ve so cruelly discovered already, is a broken place. But there is hope in prayer.
Best of luck as you start a new school year. I’ll be praying for you.
Brilliant young woman and a clarion call for sanity. Caleb's essay was great but Isabel is the clear winner. Her essay should be the equivalent of Sound of Freedom (another important call against the forces of darkness)/
We all know this is not normal. We are being led down the garden path by some very evil people in tech. Ironic that the very people who shriek about "violence against women" call children's access to porn a "free speech issue." These websites need to be shut down unless they can prove that minors are forbidden access. And even then the damage being done to males (and consequently females) by these purveyors of perversity is almost beyond measure. Gratitude to Isabel for pull back the curtain on this depravity.
> We are being led down the garden path by some very evil people in tech
I do not believe this is (just) the work of evil, simply by the "free market" plus a lack of morality. Increasingly extreme and awful types of pornography sell. People want to look at these things. Advertisers make money.
There are allegations that certain types of pornography may be propped up or pushed by evil people - some seem like conspiracy theories, some seem slightly more credible. However, the fault here lies with the utter lack of morals; the desire to make money at the expense of a generation's ability to form normal ideas about sex.
Sorry but I beg to differ. If you knowingly peddle this stuff to children, you are evil. The fact that you're doing it for money only compounds that.
Looking at it from that perspective, it *is* evil. I've always imagined "evil" and malicious, but I guess simply being indifferent to who your audience is, and allowing such extremely perverted material to reach them, can be just as evil as maliciously attempting to expose children to it.