From my vantage point of a parent of three adult children–––35, 32, and 29––I have an optimistic take on your point about time spent with children. The quality, or resonance, of my time spent with my children has steadily increased as they've grown older.
I attribute this to two factors: the density of our relationships built up since they were little and the growth in their own life experiences, hence their ability to be among my closest confidantes.
In other words, time with your young children is both precious in the present and an investment for even more precious time in the future .
Absolutely the truth. I spent a lot of time with my 15 year old daughter when she was little, as much as possible around work. I needed to work economically, but made sure she was with a family for daycare, and then at a wonderful preschool after. I also turned down more than one job offer that would have had me traveling or working excessive hours because my husband and I agreed that we wouldn’t get these years back; that it was important to have as much work/life balance as possible. She’s developed into a wonderful young woman who is caring, kind, and funny.
We accidentally did things well and are grateful for the same relationships with our adult kids, their spouses and our grandkids. Thank You, Lord. Our kids are willfully repeating our accidental habits to create the same connections with their kids and future generations. This is meaning...
I became a mother at 40 and again at a week shy of 42, so my graph (above) would definitely look different. Husband and I both had to work until my youngest turned five but before that they were in the large early childhood/child care center that I was the director of. I drove them to and from school, could visit down the hall during the day (without being annoying) and then retired when daughter was in 1st grade/son in K. Then I volunteered. My husband had a government job with less pay but great benefits especially time off. They attend colleges within an hour from our home and we/they can visit often. Now, what will happen in a few years, I don't know but I wholeheartedly agree that the "density of our relationship built up since they little...." forms the relationship later.
Lastly, two days ago I hosted 180 people for our mother's 90th birthday. I'm one of 9 children (8 living). My family now including niece and nephew in-laws is 61. Only two were unable to make it (a niece who attended her 8th grade class trip to DC and a niece in-law who had her second baby yesterday). So generationally, if we live virtuously and value life and relationships, we can have many minutes of time in significant relationships.
Thank you so much David! That means a lot. It was truly the joy of my last year to plan and execute every detail. My mother is beyond grateful and I know my dad is smiling from heaven.
There are many reasons, especially lately, for homeschooling. I won’t get into that cultural/political/religious debate. But to me a *timeless* reason is this one, and it has nothing to do with public school propaganda or anything: do people not realize they’re hardly gonna have any time with their children after age 18 or so? Yet there seems such a rush to get them in daycare, then school, then all sorts of after school program, so that for years of their life you maybe spend only a couple hours if that with them daily - while some rando teacher strangers spend 8 hours/day with them?
And then, summer break arrives, as it does this week, and so many parents “joke” about getting those kids out of the home fast into camp, or counting the days til summer vacation is over.
It’s like: do you even *like* these children?? Do you not realize how soon they’ll be adults and how much you’ll miss these years?
I know, I know, sometimes daycare is a necessity, have to make that money, and sending em to school is just what people do, but try to keep this important essay in mind: money is valuable only so far as it gives you time, don’t sacrifice priceless time with your kids for all tye money in the world.
Thank you!!
Ps similar argument against giving your kids smartphones - unless you want their loneliness chart to peak much, much sooner and last much, much longer.
Homeschool mom of four here, wrapping up our 11th year of homeschooling, and I couldn’t agree more. Is it exhausting? Yes! But I didn’t have children to pass them off to nannies and then daycare/preschool and then the school system, etc. And the way I see it, I’ll be actively parenting my children for a total of 25 years. That’s less than 1/3 of my life. I’m going to soak it up while it’s here.
Homeschooling takes energy. But when I was having a particularly bad fibro flare, my kids could bring their books into the bedroom for lessons. And homeschooling lessons only took about 3 hours. Lots of time for play and going places.
The whole movement is exploding. Like I said, I’ve been at it for 11 years. We used to be viewed as fringe weirdos. Now everybody knows someone who homeschools. I will say the newcomers (the Covid homeschoolers) are often very different from traditional homeschoolers. Lots of newer ones tend to use online programs that have their kids on a computer much of the day, or they outsource in other ways like hiring teachers and tutors. Ours is a paper and pencil homeschool with very limited screen time. I am their teacher. Homeschooling isn’t just an alternative to school for us. It’s a lifestyle.
I congratulate you and any other parents who have made the choice to homeschool their kids.
All home-schooled kids that I have met are well above grade level in everything except English literature. But, that has more to do with the interests of the child than it does with the teaching abilities of the parent.
My homeschooled kid read Crime and Punishment in 8th grade and is currently working through Dante's inferno in 10th. But that may be helped by my background in English lit and his own interests since he picked the books himself.
Let me clarify that in no way is this an argument to be a helicopter parent! You do need to “let grow” and let your kids have real, adult free childhoods, for their own good. See my piece here, perfect in time for summer:
But I would say that’s it’s a lot easier to let grow when you have all that time already banked with them, and know you’ll have more. Helicopter parenting seems a paradoxical reaction in some ways in parents who ship their kids off early and often: realizing how little time they actually have with little Johnny, what with school/piano class/soccer/etc taking up most of his days, they understandably have difficulty letting him roam in the 1-2 hours a week they have penciled in to spend time with him… just a thought…
I think people assume that homeschooling and helicopter parenting go hand in hand, but I actually give my kids far more autonomy and freedom than my friends give their public/private school kids. We just moved from Manhattan, where my kids got around the city by themselves on the subway, met up with their friends at Central Park for hours, went to the store to pick up groceries, etc. It was easy for me to trust them with that freedom because I know them so well—because I spend all day with them. I know what they’re capable of. I know their limits. I know their personalities and tendencies.
Helicopter parenting seems to me to be a parental overreaction to the parents not being present in the more meaningful periods of a child's life...It's the thinking that if one is sure to go to the school play or to the soccer practice one is being a good and dutiful parent.
It's a lot more meaningful to get the child to understand that algebra is easy as long as everything remains equal, and you follow the rules in manipulating equations.
Watching that lightbulb turn on is far more important and rewarding than standing on the sidelines pretending one is enjoying the rain and the muck.
As a mom of a four year old and a 5 month old, I agree with much of what you say. I see so many moms around me who genuinely do not seem to enjoy their children. It is heartbreaking to witness.
I do however think modern motherhood can be very isolating unless you make an extremely concerted effort to connect with others. Up until somewhat recently in human history, families were multi-generational, and the burden of raising young children was spread among many adults. Community and an in-person social network where a mom can receive physical and emotional support is largely gone, unless a mom goes to great lengths to create this. I was shocked to learn that of all my mom friends, with the exception of me and one other, all of them were on some form of antidepressant. This did not discriminate between working moms and SAHM’s.
I am not condoning many parents wanting to “check out”, I truly think this is heartbreaking for the child. I just think it is worth pointing out we parenting in very unique time in human history.
Thank you so much for saying this. Even without an extended family network, middle-class suburban families used to live in neighborhoods full of young families with similarly-aged children. We have no other kids on our whole street, and the other little kids a few streets away seem to be in day care while my kids are home after school. I have no adult conversation for 95% of the day.
100% agree with No smartphones. I'm a mom of 3. No devices, no iPads, no smartphones in my house for my kids. When they are in junior high, I will probably get them no data/no internet phones (phones which can only call or text). They can text their friends. No social media.
In high school, if they work & earn the money to buy themselves a smartphone, I'll allow it but put parental controls on it so it will be monitored.
"Do you even *like* these children?" <--That is a question that often comes to my mind when I see the way so many parents these days seem to do everything possible to avoid spending time with their children.
A typical day:
-The kids get up, and parents fight to get them dressed quickly.
-The kids go to daycare or school. Often they go to school early so they can have breakfast at school.
-After school, the kids go to daycare. Or sports. Or music lessons. Or dance lessons. Or whatever other extracurricular activity mom has deemed necessary. Or they go to a prearranged "play date." Or they stay at school for the free afterschool program.
-After dinner, the kids play videogames or watch TV.
-Bedtime is as early as the parents can justify so they can have some free time to themselves.
-Rinse and repeat.
That was not my childhood. I ate breakfast as well as dinner with my parents (and in older elementary grades, also lunch, by preference, since I lived close to the school). My mom was a SAH mom in poor health, so she was often in her armchair in the living room, making occasional comments to me about what was on TV (sharing her values and beliefs, basically) and answering my questions (I had many). Although I had dance and music lessons, they did not take up every night of the week. No organized sports. And I never went to bed before 8 or 9. As I reached my pre-teens, I fought for and won 10 o'clock, and then 11. Evenings were spent with my parents.
Many years ago, I came across a lovely poem which basically said hush to the housework, I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
When you have little children -- time can be strange and days can feel forever. With a 4 am start due to an excited toddler, supper time can feel a long ways away. Except one day, you turn around and the child has grown or even grown and flown for many years.
And none of us truly knows how long they have left which is why it is important to live in the moment. Remember the past, hope for the future but live in today.
There is another version, and it is growing with the Autism epidemic.
I have a 27 year old son who is on Active Duty Military deployment. Because of his job, I just get a text or two during the week. The dream child in your outline above.
My other son is 25 years old, and I am with him every day with my wife. He is vaccine damaged, Autistic, and while we are working hard on a "What happens when we (the parents) die?" solution, we don't have it yet.
1) Yes, cherish your time with your kids, but protect them, and DO NOT trust "trusted authorities" to do the right thing. It is your child.
2) Please raise them to be problem solvers. We have some really big issues in our country/world, and we need the next generation to be equipped to deal with the problems we are leaving them.
It’s sad you have to defend yourself against the label anti-vax er just because you question the safety and effectiveness of some vaccines. It’s high time medical science acknowledged the risk of their remedies. Sometimes the cure really is worse than the disease it’s trying to prevent.
It is sad. Unfortunately, people immediately attack any question of vaccines/childhood immunizations. It's a visceral, knee-jerk reaction that leaves no room for conversation. I watched my son completely change, as a 12 month old. I'm not allowed to be bothered by that or ask questions, in some people's minds.
Also important to note other known causes of autism in children:
1) Older father. Which is why I encourage everyone to have kids as young as they can.
2) Mother receiving Pitocin for Labor Induction. Which is why I encourage moms to say no to inductions. And also choose a nurse midwife + doula + natural childbirth (if you can!). I did all my births at birth centers with nurse midwife + doula. No Epidural, No medications at all.
Neither of those were the case for me. My labor was not induced. My ex-husband was in his 20's, and my son changed, profoundly, at the age of 12 months.
As a newer Special Education Teacher and mother to an adult son, nearly 24, who has Autism, I am with you on this. I write Transition Plans and do functional/vocational instruction. It is a very frustrating and disturbing reality that most people would rather be in comfortable denial about. My son is considered "higher functioning" aka higher iq and earned a HS diploma. He works part-time, is unable to drive, and his support is on me, as a solo parent. I can't even file as head-of-household because his part-time courtesy clerk job comes to more than $4600 a year, which isn't enough for anyone but a pet to live on. But, one of the many things he has blessed me with, aside of his genuinely kind nature, was the slowing of time. He grew up more slowly and I felt that I got to hold onto some pieces that rushed away with his 2 older brothers.
However this is your life story. You have used a billion or so of your seconds and it does not have a table of contents or index. I scrolled way down to the vax part but never found the safety part.
Can you give it to me in a few sentences or even paragraphs?
Never state a problem without offering a solution - My Suggestions for a Path Forward
In a perfect world, this is what I would like to see happen to begin to unravel this tangled web that vaccine safety advocates have been talking about for a long time and that Covid has brought to the mainstream discourse:
Repeal the 1986 Vaccine Act: Big Pharma needs to be held financially accountable for bad products and bad recommendations. If there is fraud, make the Big Pharma executives criminally accountable.
Abolish pharmaceutical Direct to Consumer media advertising. This will release the media from the chokehold that Big Pharma has as one of their top advertisers. The Media machine does not want to bite the hand of Big Pharma that feeds them.
Block the addition of the Covid-19 vaccine to the Childhood Vaccine schedule. There is absolutely no reason for it at this point for all the reasons stated earlier. And block any planned or future Covid-19 vaccine mandates for school-age children (California’s school Covid-19 vaccine requirement is on hold until at least July 2023).
Stop the censorship that has been prevalent in both mainstream and social media. Twitter is a start. Stop labeling anything that doesn’t fit the Big Pharma narrative ‘mis-information’. Allow free-flowing exchange of ideas. Allow people to really ‘follow the science’ – all the science, not just the version that is cherry-picked and spun that supports the vaccine narrative.
Repeal all remaining Covid 19 vaccine mandates. There are still hundreds of colleges that mandate the original vaccines as well as boosters. There are many cities and towns that mandate vaccines for municipal workers (NYC and LA County included – even visitors to NYC schools still have to be vaccinated - once again with the original series developed against an ancestral strain no longer in circulation!). We had a big win in New York State this past week when the healthcare worker mandate was struck down, thanks to our friend Mary Holland of Children’s Health Defense. They financed the lawsuit on behalf of Medical Professionals for Informed Consent. Promote informed consent, let individuals (and parents) do their own personal medical calculus (risk/benefit analysis) and decide for themselves.
The bigger picture: Support a fit and healthy lifestyle: Begin to address the underlying reasons why Covid-19 was so severe for so many people in this country. Start having the real conversations about health, diet, exercise, and fitness. Sure I had been an athlete all my life (walk-on Basketball player for Boston College, triathlete, runner), but Dustin Sweeney taught me the realities about ‘food is medicine’. We are an unhealthy, unfit country. From the CDC - 32% of adults over age 20 are overweight, 42% are obese; 10% have Diabetes, 13% smoke. Our answer to this during the Covid vaccine rollout was prioritizing shots for smokers and obese individuals. And Krispy Kreme rewarded the vaccinated with two free donuts every day for a week! We need as a society and a country to address these underlying co-morbidities that resulted in so many Covid deaths. We need to re-direct some of the money being poured into vaccine development and procurement to educating people on the importance of diet and exercise and providing them support to adopt and maintain a fit and healthy lifestyle that will in turn support a more robust immune system better suited to confront Covid or the next disease to come down the pike.
I suspect just making them liable for damage/fraud from the medications would solve the advertising problem as well. They have as much money available for that as they do because of the protections and regulatory capture they benefit from, so just remove that.
Great stuff. As (almost) always,, though, there's a stinker under the rock: The unavoidable fact that treating symptoms is an ongoing revenue stream, whilst cure -- and/or prevention -- is not.
You be preachin to da choir, sir. I walk. At least 3 miles. Every. Single. Day. Up to 10 when I'm working in the City. (Every time I tried running, my knees and ankles said, quietly but firmly, "You really don't want to push this, do you?") (Though that was before I lost 70+ pounds a few years ago. (I'm now 75; if there's a fountain of youth, it's shucking excess tonnage at an advanced age.)) (We're neighbors, BTW; Mahwah.)
I think we experience the passage of time as inversely proportional to our age. When you are very young, time passes slowly as you look ahead to the next big event (Christmas, summer vacation, birthdays, etc.), but as you grow older, time speeds up and you never seem to have enough of it to do what you need or want to do. By the time you are my age, time flies by so fast, you can't remember what day it is.
I cannot buuuuuuuuh-leave you (and the replies thus far) neglected to mention the elephant in the room OH! MY! GOD! How bout the massive damage cell phones have caused and the MAGNITUDE
of TIME wasted! How entire lives are being completely squandered because of them! EVERYTHING!!
This is the greatest and most damaging epidemic in the history of the world and solidifies just how rampant addiction is! What's truly comical is how people can't see the correlation to drugs and alcohol and that it is worse than everything else combined!!!!!! NO ONE can STOP OR PUT THEM DOWN! Everywhere you go, everyone is addicted! The joggers are hilarious! The celebrities on the red carpet - the politicians talking to a reporter! Everyone has one in their hand!!
I've a dog that I walk 3 hours every day - my philosophy is if you had a child you knew would only live 15-20 years you would give it the best life possible! I spend ALL my free TIME taking him to dog parks and walking all over creation! WHY? Because I value how short and precious the TIME we have together is! I don't own a TV because I could never waste that magnitude of TIME when I could be spending it on constructive things. There's a reason they call it the boob tube!!
NOTHING ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH has caused more destruction then these phones but specifically when you take into consideration the MAGNITUDE OF TIME being wasted!
NO ONE works - everyone is looking down at the screen! The worst however is how they've destroyed education - how could you possibly-possibly allow them in schools? The answer? Because the teachers are even MORE addicted and therefore would never ever support banning them! It's a disease!!
When was the last time (or first) you saw or hear someone using it for an actual emergency which is the excuse everyone uses to have and NEED THEM! I have never heard someone say OMG are they dead - is the house on fire - call the police! Have you? On the other hand I have heard every single intimate detail imaginable! Enduing the nonsensical conversation on lines is beyond nauseating!
I could spend hours pointing out how they've destroyed society but even worse than having them in classrooms is how everyone walking with baby strollers (and dogs) is paying more attention the the phone - no one is actually interacting with children! I often wonder the statistics for kids getting hurt and or far worse because someone couldn't put the phone down? And when the child does want attention they simply hand it a phone or electronic gizmo so it doesn't interfere with . . . . their phone TIME!
I have a flip phone I use solely for phone calls when I am working! They demanded I get a smart phone - after wasting 45 MINUTES trying to figure it out I told my boss to fire me instead! I was irate I had wasted that MUCH TIME on something so intellectually asinine!
People at work refer to me as a human GPS because all I have to do is look at a map to KNOW where I am going! I love the folks who follow GPS and tell you they have no idea
how they went or arrived at their destination and just followed what it said! Mindless imbeciles!!!
There is no greater waste of time and LIFE than these phones! 8 hrs/day x 7 days/week x 52 weeks/year! I wonder if anyone on their death bed ever wished they'd spent MORE TIME on their phone?
That’s the world description in a nutshell. The internet, the smartphone and social media have killed the human being. I think in the words of the Chicago musical “We had it coming”
Thank you ever so kindly! I just wish everyone would come to their senses and STOP with them! They serve no purpose whatsoever as solidified by the blatant fact we grew up without them and guess what? We survived! Amazing isn't it! It is absolutely an intentional diversion and dumbing down of society! Everyone is looking down and hooked on them! There is no reason for them whatsoever - it's nothing more that a luxury IF THAT! Ask the Amish how they're doing! I love how people give up land lines - so what are you supposed to do if the battery dies or you lose it or leave it in your car and the house is on fire? Yell 9-11? This is the intellectual caliber we've no sunken to! Mindless imbeciles addicted to something so wasteful!
It's so rare to find such wisdom in one so young. As someone in the middle of his eighth decade, I can add only that he might even underestimate the importance of cherishing each moment. I will pass this on to every young person I know. Thank you.
Wonderful graphics, illustrations and a provocative reflection. As a relatively new retiree, I am often asked why I chose to leave the workplace a few years early.
My response:
Imagine a dashboard with multiple gauges- money, health, etc. Instead of a gas gauge - you see remaining lifespan. I am currently at 1/4 tank ! Since the gauge is analog, I might really be at 1/3 life left OR … I might really be on “Empty”… One truth remains - the gas gauge needle moves more quickly under a quarter tank! Thank you Mr. Bloom for your gentle and wonderful reminder about life.
I use two similar thoughts when I think about time and my efforts not to waste it. Using the 80 years of life assumption: 1) I will be asleep for over 26 years and 2) I will live through over 10 years of Mondays.
Warren Buffet once said that he can buy anything he wants but time, but I don’t think that’s completely accurate. We can spend it differently on the goods that matter, which is encapsulated well in this essay.
Tempus fugit memento mori. Time flies, remember death. This was a good article to remind people how precious our time is. My youngest child graduates high school next week, his last day was yesterday. It truly does fly. I will not squander the time I have living in fear of a virus as many did during covid, but instead appreciating the joys that have been given to me. I really like the visual aid of our life in the weeks. It makes it easy for people to visualize.
From my vantage point of a parent of three adult children–––35, 32, and 29––I have an optimistic take on your point about time spent with children. The quality, or resonance, of my time spent with my children has steadily increased as they've grown older.
I attribute this to two factors: the density of our relationships built up since they were little and the growth in their own life experiences, hence their ability to be among my closest confidantes.
In other words, time with your young children is both precious in the present and an investment for even more precious time in the future .
******************************************************
As quite a few people seemed to like my comment from yesterday, I thought I'd offer the recent post below, also about children and family.
My posts are short, a 1,000 word self-imposed limit, equivalent to about a five minute read.
https://robertsdavidn.substack.com/p/post-wedding-reflections-having-another
Amen
Absolutely the truth. I spent a lot of time with my 15 year old daughter when she was little, as much as possible around work. I needed to work economically, but made sure she was with a family for daycare, and then at a wonderful preschool after. I also turned down more than one job offer that would have had me traveling or working excessive hours because my husband and I agreed that we wouldn’t get these years back; that it was important to have as much work/life balance as possible. She’s developed into a wonderful young woman who is caring, kind, and funny.
Thank you for this perspective.
We accidentally did things well and are grateful for the same relationships with our adult kids, their spouses and our grandkids. Thank You, Lord. Our kids are willfully repeating our accidental habits to create the same connections with their kids and future generations. This is meaning...
I became a mother at 40 and again at a week shy of 42, so my graph (above) would definitely look different. Husband and I both had to work until my youngest turned five but before that they were in the large early childhood/child care center that I was the director of. I drove them to and from school, could visit down the hall during the day (without being annoying) and then retired when daughter was in 1st grade/son in K. Then I volunteered. My husband had a government job with less pay but great benefits especially time off. They attend colleges within an hour from our home and we/they can visit often. Now, what will happen in a few years, I don't know but I wholeheartedly agree that the "density of our relationship built up since they little...." forms the relationship later.
Lastly, two days ago I hosted 180 people for our mother's 90th birthday. I'm one of 9 children (8 living). My family now including niece and nephew in-laws is 61. Only two were unable to make it (a niece who attended her 8th grade class trip to DC and a niece in-law who had her second baby yesterday). So generationally, if we live virtuously and value life and relationships, we can have many minutes of time in significant relationships.
Thanks for your wonderful words.
I loved reading about your family and its closeness. What a wonderful testament to have so many relatives attend your mother's 90th.
I'm sure that wherever your children go and whatever they do, your family will carry that early closeness forever. You are very blessed.
Thank you so much David! That means a lot. It was truly the joy of my last year to plan and execute every detail. My mother is beyond grateful and I know my dad is smiling from heaven.
Grandkids?
One so far from the oldest. The second oldest just married so a few irons in the fire, so to speak.
As quite a few people seemed to like my comment from yesterday, I thought I'd offer the recent post below, also about children and family.
My posts are short, a 1,000 word self-imposed limit, equivalent to about a five minute read.
https://robertsdavidn.substack.com/p/post-wedding-reflections-having-another
Thank you for this very important reflection!
It does go by so fast.
There are many reasons, especially lately, for homeschooling. I won’t get into that cultural/political/religious debate. But to me a *timeless* reason is this one, and it has nothing to do with public school propaganda or anything: do people not realize they’re hardly gonna have any time with their children after age 18 or so? Yet there seems such a rush to get them in daycare, then school, then all sorts of after school program, so that for years of their life you maybe spend only a couple hours if that with them daily - while some rando teacher strangers spend 8 hours/day with them?
And then, summer break arrives, as it does this week, and so many parents “joke” about getting those kids out of the home fast into camp, or counting the days til summer vacation is over.
It’s like: do you even *like* these children?? Do you not realize how soon they’ll be adults and how much you’ll miss these years?
I know, I know, sometimes daycare is a necessity, have to make that money, and sending em to school is just what people do, but try to keep this important essay in mind: money is valuable only so far as it gives you time, don’t sacrifice priceless time with your kids for all tye money in the world.
Thank you!!
Ps similar argument against giving your kids smartphones - unless you want their loneliness chart to peak much, much sooner and last much, much longer.
Gaty.substack.com
Homeschool mom of four here, wrapping up our 11th year of homeschooling, and I couldn’t agree more. Is it exhausting? Yes! But I didn’t have children to pass them off to nannies and then daycare/preschool and then the school system, etc. And the way I see it, I’ll be actively parenting my children for a total of 25 years. That’s less than 1/3 of my life. I’m going to soak it up while it’s here.
And our culture is seeing the negative effects of having non-parents raising our children. "The hand which rocks the cradle leads the kingdom."
Homeschooling takes energy. But when I was having a particularly bad fibro flare, my kids could bring their books into the bedroom for lessons. And homeschooling lessons only took about 3 hours. Lots of time for play and going places.
Celia, I was going to respond to the main subject post but I just don't have the time.
Just an aside...How many people posting here on the Free Press homeschool their children?
I would suspect that the percentage is somewhat higher than one would see in the public at large.
The whole movement is exploding. Like I said, I’ve been at it for 11 years. We used to be viewed as fringe weirdos. Now everybody knows someone who homeschools. I will say the newcomers (the Covid homeschoolers) are often very different from traditional homeschoolers. Lots of newer ones tend to use online programs that have their kids on a computer much of the day, or they outsource in other ways like hiring teachers and tutors. Ours is a paper and pencil homeschool with very limited screen time. I am their teacher. Homeschooling isn’t just an alternative to school for us. It’s a lifestyle.
My 25 year old son has expressed the intention to have any (future) children homeschooled, after watching what has happened in the last few years.
Mine too (aged 27)
I congratulate you and any other parents who have made the choice to homeschool their kids.
All home-schooled kids that I have met are well above grade level in everything except English literature. But, that has more to do with the interests of the child than it does with the teaching abilities of the parent.
My homeschooled kid read Crime and Punishment in 8th grade and is currently working through Dante's inferno in 10th. But that may be helped by my background in English lit and his own interests since he picked the books himself.
Let me clarify that in no way is this an argument to be a helicopter parent! You do need to “let grow” and let your kids have real, adult free childhoods, for their own good. See my piece here, perfect in time for summer:
https://thefederalist.com/2022/06/16/let-your-kids-go-without-adults-and-shoes-this-summer/
But I would say that’s it’s a lot easier to let grow when you have all that time already banked with them, and know you’ll have more. Helicopter parenting seems a paradoxical reaction in some ways in parents who ship their kids off early and often: realizing how little time they actually have with little Johnny, what with school/piano class/soccer/etc taking up most of his days, they understandably have difficulty letting him roam in the 1-2 hours a week they have penciled in to spend time with him… just a thought…
I think people assume that homeschooling and helicopter parenting go hand in hand, but I actually give my kids far more autonomy and freedom than my friends give their public/private school kids. We just moved from Manhattan, where my kids got around the city by themselves on the subway, met up with their friends at Central Park for hours, went to the store to pick up groceries, etc. It was easy for me to trust them with that freedom because I know them so well—because I spend all day with them. I know what they’re capable of. I know their limits. I know their personalities and tendencies.
Helicopter parenting seems to me to be a parental overreaction to the parents not being present in the more meaningful periods of a child's life...It's the thinking that if one is sure to go to the school play or to the soccer practice one is being a good and dutiful parent.
It's a lot more meaningful to get the child to understand that algebra is easy as long as everything remains equal, and you follow the rules in manipulating equations.
Watching that lightbulb turn on is far more important and rewarding than standing on the sidelines pretending one is enjoying the rain and the muck.
As a mom of a four year old and a 5 month old, I agree with much of what you say. I see so many moms around me who genuinely do not seem to enjoy their children. It is heartbreaking to witness.
I do however think modern motherhood can be very isolating unless you make an extremely concerted effort to connect with others. Up until somewhat recently in human history, families were multi-generational, and the burden of raising young children was spread among many adults. Community and an in-person social network where a mom can receive physical and emotional support is largely gone, unless a mom goes to great lengths to create this. I was shocked to learn that of all my mom friends, with the exception of me and one other, all of them were on some form of antidepressant. This did not discriminate between working moms and SAHM’s.
I am not condoning many parents wanting to “check out”, I truly think this is heartbreaking for the child. I just think it is worth pointing out we parenting in very unique time in human history.
Thank you so much for saying this. Even without an extended family network, middle-class suburban families used to live in neighborhoods full of young families with similarly-aged children. We have no other kids on our whole street, and the other little kids a few streets away seem to be in day care while my kids are home after school. I have no adult conversation for 95% of the day.
100% agree with No smartphones. I'm a mom of 3. No devices, no iPads, no smartphones in my house for my kids. When they are in junior high, I will probably get them no data/no internet phones (phones which can only call or text). They can text their friends. No social media.
In high school, if they work & earn the money to buy themselves a smartphone, I'll allow it but put parental controls on it so it will be monitored.
"Do you even *like* these children?" <--That is a question that often comes to my mind when I see the way so many parents these days seem to do everything possible to avoid spending time with their children.
A typical day:
-The kids get up, and parents fight to get them dressed quickly.
-The kids go to daycare or school. Often they go to school early so they can have breakfast at school.
-After school, the kids go to daycare. Or sports. Or music lessons. Or dance lessons. Or whatever other extracurricular activity mom has deemed necessary. Or they go to a prearranged "play date." Or they stay at school for the free afterschool program.
-After dinner, the kids play videogames or watch TV.
-Bedtime is as early as the parents can justify so they can have some free time to themselves.
-Rinse and repeat.
That was not my childhood. I ate breakfast as well as dinner with my parents (and in older elementary grades, also lunch, by preference, since I lived close to the school). My mom was a SAH mom in poor health, so she was often in her armchair in the living room, making occasional comments to me about what was on TV (sharing her values and beliefs, basically) and answering my questions (I had many). Although I had dance and music lessons, they did not take up every night of the week. No organized sports. And I never went to bed before 8 or 9. As I reached my pre-teens, I fought for and won 10 o'clock, and then 11. Evenings were spent with my parents.
Days drag, weeks walk, years fly.
Indeed! It often feels just like that.
Many years ago, I came across a lovely poem which basically said hush to the housework, I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
When you have little children -- time can be strange and days can feel forever. With a 4 am start due to an excited toddler, supper time can feel a long ways away. Except one day, you turn around and the child has grown or even grown and flown for many years.
And none of us truly knows how long they have left which is why it is important to live in the moment. Remember the past, hope for the future but live in today.
My wife has this on her bathroom mirror, “cleaning and scrubbing can wait ‘til tomorrow/ for babies grow up, we’ve learned to our sorrow...”
Our oldest turned 18 last month and we are trying to savor the time with him and the other three kids who are not far behind.
It is such a great sentiment and so very true.
And yes, you need to. You never stop being a parent (my eldest will be 33 this year. Help!). The role just alters.
Enjoy!!
Mr. Bloom - I am filled with gratitude for your gorgeous gift this morning. Thank you 🙏
There is another version, and it is growing with the Autism epidemic.
I have a 27 year old son who is on Active Duty Military deployment. Because of his job, I just get a text or two during the week. The dream child in your outline above.
My other son is 25 years old, and I am with him every day with my wife. He is vaccine damaged, Autistic, and while we are working hard on a "What happens when we (the parents) die?" solution, we don't have it yet.
I am not an "anti-vaxxer", rather pro-vaccine safety, and I am very constructive about the issue -https://outsidein51.substack.com/p/pro-vaccine-safety-in-2023-where
My counsel is:
1) Yes, cherish your time with your kids, but protect them, and DO NOT trust "trusted authorities" to do the right thing. It is your child.
2) Please raise them to be problem solvers. We have some really big issues in our country/world, and we need the next generation to be equipped to deal with the problems we are leaving them.
Peace.
This past few years have taught me NEVER to trust "trusted authorities"!
These folks in charge are the hippies who had a VW van with a “Question Authority” bumper sticker!
It’s sad you have to defend yourself against the label anti-vax er just because you question the safety and effectiveness of some vaccines. It’s high time medical science acknowledged the risk of their remedies. Sometimes the cure really is worse than the disease it’s trying to prevent.
It is sad. Unfortunately, people immediately attack any question of vaccines/childhood immunizations. It's a visceral, knee-jerk reaction that leaves no room for conversation. I watched my son completely change, as a 12 month old. I'm not allowed to be bothered by that or ask questions, in some people's minds.
Also important to note other known causes of autism in children:
1) Older father. Which is why I encourage everyone to have kids as young as they can.
2) Mother receiving Pitocin for Labor Induction. Which is why I encourage moms to say no to inductions. And also choose a nurse midwife + doula + natural childbirth (if you can!). I did all my births at birth centers with nurse midwife + doula. No Epidural, No medications at all.
Neither of those were the case for me. My labor was not induced. My ex-husband was in his 20's, and my son changed, profoundly, at the age of 12 months.
Yeah me to all were a fantastic experience.
As a newer Special Education Teacher and mother to an adult son, nearly 24, who has Autism, I am with you on this. I write Transition Plans and do functional/vocational instruction. It is a very frustrating and disturbing reality that most people would rather be in comfortable denial about. My son is considered "higher functioning" aka higher iq and earned a HS diploma. He works part-time, is unable to drive, and his support is on me, as a solo parent. I can't even file as head-of-household because his part-time courtesy clerk job comes to more than $4600 a year, which isn't enough for anyone but a pet to live on. But, one of the many things he has blessed me with, aside of his genuinely kind nature, was the slowing of time. He grew up more slowly and I felt that I got to hold onto some pieces that rushed away with his 2 older brothers.
Thank the soldier for his service, and thank you for really sound advice!!
This made me take note, "I am not an "anti-vaxxer", rather pro-vaccine safety, and I am very constructive about the issue -https://outsidein51.substack.com/p/pro-vaccine-safety-in-2023-where”
However this is your life story. You have used a billion or so of your seconds and it does not have a table of contents or index. I scrolled way down to the vax part but never found the safety part.
Can you give it to me in a few sentences or even paragraphs?
Never state a problem without offering a solution - My Suggestions for a Path Forward
In a perfect world, this is what I would like to see happen to begin to unravel this tangled web that vaccine safety advocates have been talking about for a long time and that Covid has brought to the mainstream discourse:
Repeal the 1986 Vaccine Act: Big Pharma needs to be held financially accountable for bad products and bad recommendations. If there is fraud, make the Big Pharma executives criminally accountable.
Abolish pharmaceutical Direct to Consumer media advertising. This will release the media from the chokehold that Big Pharma has as one of their top advertisers. The Media machine does not want to bite the hand of Big Pharma that feeds them.
Block the addition of the Covid-19 vaccine to the Childhood Vaccine schedule. There is absolutely no reason for it at this point for all the reasons stated earlier. And block any planned or future Covid-19 vaccine mandates for school-age children (California’s school Covid-19 vaccine requirement is on hold until at least July 2023).
Stop the censorship that has been prevalent in both mainstream and social media. Twitter is a start. Stop labeling anything that doesn’t fit the Big Pharma narrative ‘mis-information’. Allow free-flowing exchange of ideas. Allow people to really ‘follow the science’ – all the science, not just the version that is cherry-picked and spun that supports the vaccine narrative.
Repeal all remaining Covid 19 vaccine mandates. There are still hundreds of colleges that mandate the original vaccines as well as boosters. There are many cities and towns that mandate vaccines for municipal workers (NYC and LA County included – even visitors to NYC schools still have to be vaccinated - once again with the original series developed against an ancestral strain no longer in circulation!). We had a big win in New York State this past week when the healthcare worker mandate was struck down, thanks to our friend Mary Holland of Children’s Health Defense. They financed the lawsuit on behalf of Medical Professionals for Informed Consent. Promote informed consent, let individuals (and parents) do their own personal medical calculus (risk/benefit analysis) and decide for themselves.
The bigger picture: Support a fit and healthy lifestyle: Begin to address the underlying reasons why Covid-19 was so severe for so many people in this country. Start having the real conversations about health, diet, exercise, and fitness. Sure I had been an athlete all my life (walk-on Basketball player for Boston College, triathlete, runner), but Dustin Sweeney taught me the realities about ‘food is medicine’. We are an unhealthy, unfit country. From the CDC - 32% of adults over age 20 are overweight, 42% are obese; 10% have Diabetes, 13% smoke. Our answer to this during the Covid vaccine rollout was prioritizing shots for smokers and obese individuals. And Krispy Kreme rewarded the vaccinated with two free donuts every day for a week! We need as a society and a country to address these underlying co-morbidities that resulted in so many Covid deaths. We need to re-direct some of the money being poured into vaccine development and procurement to educating people on the importance of diet and exercise and providing them support to adopt and maintain a fit and healthy lifestyle that will in turn support a more robust immune system better suited to confront Covid or the next disease to come down the pike.
I suspect just making them liable for damage/fraud from the medications would solve the advertising problem as well. They have as much money available for that as they do because of the protections and regulatory capture they benefit from, so just remove that.
Great stuff. As (almost) always,, though, there's a stinker under the rock: The unavoidable fact that treating symptoms is an ongoing revenue stream, whilst cure -- and/or prevention -- is not.
Did 5.3 miles of immunity building in Harriman today!! https://www.alltrails.com/explore/recording/afternoon-run-at-black-mountain-via-silver-mine-lake-loop-3207551
You be preachin to da choir, sir. I walk. At least 3 miles. Every. Single. Day. Up to 10 when I'm working in the City. (Every time I tried running, my knees and ankles said, quietly but firmly, "You really don't want to push this, do you?") (Though that was before I lost 70+ pounds a few years ago. (I'm now 75; if there's a fountain of youth, it's shucking excess tonnage at an advanced age.)) (We're neighbors, BTW; Mahwah.)
Be well.
I think we experience the passage of time as inversely proportional to our age. When you are very young, time passes slowly as you look ahead to the next big event (Christmas, summer vacation, birthdays, etc.), but as you grow older, time speeds up and you never seem to have enough of it to do what you need or want to do. By the time you are my age, time flies by so fast, you can't remember what day it is.
You get to an age when it seems like your eating breakfast every ten minutes.
Hahaha!
😂😂
So true
Yes!!
Very interesting and thought-provoking article. Also, the picture of you with your son is award winning.
I cannot buuuuuuuuh-leave you (and the replies thus far) neglected to mention the elephant in the room OH! MY! GOD! How bout the massive damage cell phones have caused and the MAGNITUDE
of TIME wasted! How entire lives are being completely squandered because of them! EVERYTHING!!
This is the greatest and most damaging epidemic in the history of the world and solidifies just how rampant addiction is! What's truly comical is how people can't see the correlation to drugs and alcohol and that it is worse than everything else combined!!!!!! NO ONE can STOP OR PUT THEM DOWN! Everywhere you go, everyone is addicted! The joggers are hilarious! The celebrities on the red carpet - the politicians talking to a reporter! Everyone has one in their hand!!
I've a dog that I walk 3 hours every day - my philosophy is if you had a child you knew would only live 15-20 years you would give it the best life possible! I spend ALL my free TIME taking him to dog parks and walking all over creation! WHY? Because I value how short and precious the TIME we have together is! I don't own a TV because I could never waste that magnitude of TIME when I could be spending it on constructive things. There's a reason they call it the boob tube!!
NOTHING ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH has caused more destruction then these phones but specifically when you take into consideration the MAGNITUDE OF TIME being wasted!
NO ONE works - everyone is looking down at the screen! The worst however is how they've destroyed education - how could you possibly-possibly allow them in schools? The answer? Because the teachers are even MORE addicted and therefore would never ever support banning them! It's a disease!!
When was the last time (or first) you saw or hear someone using it for an actual emergency which is the excuse everyone uses to have and NEED THEM! I have never heard someone say OMG are they dead - is the house on fire - call the police! Have you? On the other hand I have heard every single intimate detail imaginable! Enduing the nonsensical conversation on lines is beyond nauseating!
I could spend hours pointing out how they've destroyed society but even worse than having them in classrooms is how everyone walking with baby strollers (and dogs) is paying more attention the the phone - no one is actually interacting with children! I often wonder the statistics for kids getting hurt and or far worse because someone couldn't put the phone down? And when the child does want attention they simply hand it a phone or electronic gizmo so it doesn't interfere with . . . . their phone TIME!
I have a flip phone I use solely for phone calls when I am working! They demanded I get a smart phone - after wasting 45 MINUTES trying to figure it out I told my boss to fire me instead! I was irate I had wasted that MUCH TIME on something so intellectually asinine!
People at work refer to me as a human GPS because all I have to do is look at a map to KNOW where I am going! I love the folks who follow GPS and tell you they have no idea
how they went or arrived at their destination and just followed what it said! Mindless imbeciles!!!
There is no greater waste of time and LIFE than these phones! 8 hrs/day x 7 days/week x 52 weeks/year! I wonder if anyone on their death bed ever wished they'd spent MORE TIME on their phone?
BJ, you make some very good points!
He makes all and the only points Honey.
thank you
That’s the world description in a nutshell. The internet, the smartphone and social media have killed the human being. I think in the words of the Chicago musical “We had it coming”
TRUE TRUE TRUE!
As we say in the South, you've said a mouthful and truly!
Thank you ever so kindly! I just wish everyone would come to their senses and STOP with them! They serve no purpose whatsoever as solidified by the blatant fact we grew up without them and guess what? We survived! Amazing isn't it! It is absolutely an intentional diversion and dumbing down of society! Everyone is looking down and hooked on them! There is no reason for them whatsoever - it's nothing more that a luxury IF THAT! Ask the Amish how they're doing! I love how people give up land lines - so what are you supposed to do if the battery dies or you lose it or leave it in your car and the house is on fire? Yell 9-11? This is the intellectual caliber we've no sunken to! Mindless imbeciles addicted to something so wasteful!
"Time billionaires"? Uh oh, think I've reached the time poverty level. Is there a government program I qualify for?
Ha!
Very pithy…and hilarious! Hahaha
😂😂zero program
That graph really hits!
Ikr? Truly brilliant of his colleague to put that into a visual!
It's so rare to find such wisdom in one so young. As someone in the middle of his eighth decade, I can add only that he might even underestimate the importance of cherishing each moment. I will pass this on to every young person I know. Thank you.
Nodding along, here.
Try this. Find a place where you like to be. Be there, for an hour. Better - make it 2 hours. No phone, no doing.
See how that sits in memory, later, compared with other things you did. It surprised me, so I do that quite often now.
Learn to sit anywhere and enjoy the miracle of life that surrounds you...it's everywhere you look. It all started with a hydrogen atom!
Wonderful graphics, illustrations and a provocative reflection. As a relatively new retiree, I am often asked why I chose to leave the workplace a few years early.
My response:
Imagine a dashboard with multiple gauges- money, health, etc. Instead of a gas gauge - you see remaining lifespan. I am currently at 1/4 tank ! Since the gauge is analog, I might really be at 1/3 life left OR … I might really be on “Empty”… One truth remains - the gas gauge needle moves more quickly under a quarter tank! Thank you Mr. Bloom for your gentle and wonderful reminder about life.
My response after retiring to “don’t you get bored” was “not really, and anyway boredom beats the hell out of stress”
One is only bored if one runs out of imagination.
I use two similar thoughts when I think about time and my efforts not to waste it. Using the 80 years of life assumption: 1) I will be asleep for over 26 years and 2) I will live through over 10 years of Mondays.
Warren Buffet once said that he can buy anything he wants but time, but I don’t think that’s completely accurate. We can spend it differently on the goods that matter, which is encapsulated well in this essay.
Tempus fugit memento mori. Time flies, remember death. This was a good article to remind people how precious our time is. My youngest child graduates high school next week, his last day was yesterday. It truly does fly. I will not squander the time I have living in fear of a virus as many did during covid, but instead appreciating the joys that have been given to me. I really like the visual aid of our life in the weeks. It makes it easy for people to visualize.